Originally Posted by
BothSidesNow 
What an incisive thread, L2L. It has started me to thinking out loud.
I wonder if we want to rescue THEM (our adult narcissist partners), because we identify with the "victimhood" we are perceiving them to suffer, because that is what WE suffered as children. So, we are trying to re-parent ourselves by acting as the parent, or fixer, for our partner in the same way we wished our parents had taken care of us when we were children.
If this is right, it is a very complex set of shifting identifications. Our narcissistic partner represents us as children; that might be true, because narcissism for a child wouldn't need to be the same as narcissism for an adult. Children NEED to be self-centered; they need to be taken care of; they are not expected to take care of others. So some of our unmet needs as children with lousy parents might resemble the demands and needs of a narcissist.
We were "trained" in our dysfunctional households to be the parent even though we were the child. At least, I certainly was. So it was normal to me to take the responsible role when my parents wanted to act like children.
So,when we meet an adult narcissist who presents us with an opportunity to fix the very needs we had as children that didn't get fixed as children - - this must seem like an emotional golden opportunity to do for someone else what we desperately needed and didn't get.
Does this make any sense?
BothSidesNow
My parents were extremely dysfunctional but high functioning in that they did not require caretaking but my father was highly dangerous when drunk and was completely emotional unavailable when sober or drunk.
I have found that I seek out his personality type (very charismatic, attractive, manipulative and alcoholic) and have a deep need to "fix" the broken man and I now completely understand the psychological connection now.
Understanding it and changing the very real chemical and hormonal response of my hardwired brain responses is the challenge. Casper Milktoast... Mr. Nice Guy NEVER held any interst for me...ever. The man who made my heart skip a beat was a complicated person who was extremely nice, successful, talented, good looking, smart charming but ... dangerous... alcoholic.... usually in recovery but of course...that wouldn't take long before that would change. It usually does without fail. Alcoholics drink... not drinking was usuallly temporary!
I just now "see" the whole picture so clearly. As a child I could not "rescue" anyone... not me... not my parents...not my siblings. I subconsciously still try to go back and rescue my childhood and keep looking for love from my dad who never gave it. I am attracted to men like dear old dad who was an amazing man sober... that ended about noon everyday of my life!
We are all different and respond differently to the challenges of dysfunctional childhood. I am survivor and highly successful in other areas of life... relationships are disastrous choices on my part. I have had opportunities galore with wonderful, safe, successful, easy men and always passed. No chemistry...none.
I now know that my brain had so much fear as a chld that it cannabalized and destroyed parts of my brain that produce a fear response. This is how the body and brain protect those who are in constantly fearful situations.
I do not feel fear in situations that shoud produce fear. I once sank an airboat in a lake infested with large alligators and when the men wouldn't swim to shore and get help I jumped in and swam all the way to the shore. These men still share this story around my hometown... they think I am crazy. They are probably right.
Our brains are altered. Our chemical responses are different. We need to understand that connection to keep us working on the logical side of things instead of the "feelings" side because I know my "feelings" are way broken!
My question is can I ever be attracted to a normal nice guy???? I just connected that I never have been recently. One date and I am yawning...sigh.
I am old enough that I no longer care about dating or a relationship but it interests me in a scientific sort of way.
Anyone else drawn to the tall, dark, handsome guy that has a capital T on his forehead?