Hi,
I'm new to this support community and need some advice. I married my husband 11 months ago (hoping he would change), knowing he had a problem with drinking too much. He would average about 25-40 bourbon drinks per week. He travels a lot and drinks very heavily while on the road, and at home he'll often have 3-4 bourbons and just seems tipsy. He's very successful and functional as an alcoholic (kind of a golden child--35 years old, at work and in life). Many of his work colleagues and friends drink heavily with him, and are also successful and think this is no problem. He has admitted to me many times over the past year that he does have a problem, when he can see how out of line his behavior is, and how he has struggled to stick to his promises to me. He also has insisted that he is capable of cutting back on his own.
I don't feel close to him when he's drinking, he has a history of lying to me when he's drinking, and I just don't trust him anymore. When I got pregnant I was very upset about his habits and gave him an ultimatum: cut back to no more than 15 per week and no more than 4 on any occasion, or else I would leave, and the only way I would get back together is if he went through treatment and had changed. There were some improvements during my pregnancy, but also some really bad times. Just 2 weeks ago I had a very upsetting night where he was trashed, and I told him I was leaving. By the next day he talked me into giving him another chance, saying he was sorry and would get support from a counselor. Within 4 days he was drunk again, and there has been no attempt of getting support. Last night, he drove home drunk from 1 hour away, ignored my phone calls, and lied to me about where he was. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and I could have been calling him to take me to the hospital. It really upsets me that I can't count on him to be responsible, and that he knowingly broke our agreement. I also can't stand the fact that he lies to me. I don't trust him at all. We were under contract to buy our dream home at a great discount, and after last nigh I contacted the attorney this morning and had them cancel the contract, due to the fact that it scares me to buy a house with someone I don't trust and might need to divorce in the future.
Now, I'm thinking about the labor itself. I moved to Chicago for him, my family and close friends are all in Oregon, and can't come out here. I asked my Doctor today if I could fly back to Oregon for the birth, and they said no, it's too late at this point. Although the thought of not having my husband with me in the delivery room really upsets me and makes me feel sorry for myself, I also don't want to go back on my ultimatum, and just let him be my partner and keep giving him chances with no consequences. I've read that in order for ultimatums to work, I have to follow through on my threat. I have no desire to punish him at all, i just want things to change, and I am scared that they never will if I don't stop the cycle of letting him back in out of hope and wanting to be together, only for him to not make permanent change. I hate the idea that he wouldn't get to see his son born, and I know it would crush him. But maybe it's worth it to make him see that he really is going to lose us unless he changes? I don't know what to do. I can get through the labor without him, it just makes me sad. I want to do whatever it takes to have the best chance of repairing our lives. Please help.
He has a pattern of treating me in a way that is unacceptable (lying, and drinking way too much), he is ashamed the next day, and then when he thinks he is losing control and losing me, he cries, promises to be better. But it never changes. He obviously needs help, but at the same time I don't think he fully realizes how much of a problem he has. He thinks that it is just bourbon, that he could drink other beverages instead and not have a problem, or that he just needs to cut back rather than completely stop. I can't imagine that to be true.
He is at his first AA meeting tonight and contacted someone at his church about his abuse. But this is all typical, springing into action when he thinks he is losing me, and then there will be no permanent change. Should I break away until the change is permanent or allow him to be there for the birth? We live in a small condo together and I have nowhere else to go right now. I could kick him out, but it bothers me to be wasting more of our money on another rent, but maybe it's worth it. I know I can do this on my own if I have to.
