What an incisive thread, L2L. It has started me to thinking out loud.
I wonder if we want to rescue THEM (our adult narcissist partners), because we identify with the "victimhood" we are perceiving them to suffer, because that is what WE suffered as children. So, we are trying to re-parent ourselves by acting as the parent, or fixer, for our partner in the same way we wished our parents had taken care of us when we were children.
If this is right, it is a very complex set of shifting identifications. Our narcissistic partner represents us as children; that might be true, because narcissism for a child wouldn't need to be the same as narcissism for an adult. Children NEED to be self-centered; they need to be taken care of; they are not expected to take care of others. So some of our unmet needs as children with lousy parents might resemble the demands and needs of a narcissist.
We were "trained" in our dysfunctional households to be the parent even though we were the child. At least, I certainly was. So it was normal to me to take the responsible role when my parents wanted to act like children.
So,when we meet an adult narcissist who presents us with an opportunity to fix the very needs we had as children that didn't get fixed as children - - this must seem like an emotional golden opportunity to do for someone else what we desperately needed and didn't get.
Does this make any sense?
BothSidesNow