Learn2Live

I didn't realize it was aggression when it was happening, either. But after reading Dr. Simon's book, "In Sheep's Clothing," I was able to put a name to his behavior. I think Dr. Simon would characterize AXBF's behavior as "Covert Aggression." Here is a link to his book I've found: http://www.galaksija.com/literatura/...s_Clothing.pdf. If you just read the Introduction to the book, you'll get a grasp on the concept of Aggression and how people use it to manipulate others.

It's all about Control.

And I know for certain that while we codies run around like crazy, exhausting ourselves putting out their fires or trying to accommodate or make things easier for them, screaming and yelling at them in reaction to their bad behaviors, we THINK we are controlling them but in reality THEY are controlling US. I think that's why we get so sick and they just go on with their happy little lives doing whatever they damn well please.

As for my situation, in the beginning, and for a very long time, AXBF was just all OVER and ABOUT me. He talked about me constantly, to me, to his parents, to his siblings, to other people. He practically worshipped me. He cleaned out my basement, took my car for an oil change, organized my paperwork, helped me around the house, was at my every beck and call. He did the grocery shopping, vacuumed the house, helped me do the laundry, scrubbed the bathtub, you name it, if I asked, he did it. And often, I didn't even have to ask. He was the absolute BEST BF I have ever had! He called and texted me constantly whenever we were apart, and always wanted to be with me. He Facebooked me all day and night. I literally thought he was on Facebook ONLY to talk to me. He ignored everyone else. It was all VERY flattering and I believed it was because he loved me so much. I am still very confused about it. But, and this is a BIG "but," I had been VERY clear several times that I did not want to live together, and he moved in anyway. I was so excited, happy, and distracted by all the "loving" things AXBF was doing, all the attention he paid me, and how he was treating me, that I did not even notice he had moved in until AFTER he had moved in. What I had said to him, what MY needs were, simply did not matter. And once I realized he was in, I just shrugged my shoulders and let it go. Who wouldn't, with a live-in worshiper???

And then, without warning, it all seemed to change. No longer did I have a live-in worshiper. The true person started to reveal himself. And I was thoroughly hurt and confused. I wanted it to go back to the way it was but it never did, and I just kept thinking that it must be me, that I'm not this and I'm not that, and that is why he no longer treated me the same, and was no longer interested in me.

But now, after reading a few of these Narcissism books, I am beginning to better understand. Apparently, what a Narcissist will do is appeal to your weaknesses and exploit you for what it is THEY want or need, without any regard to what YOU want or need. Regardless of whether you have stated what you want or need, or not.

Narcissists apparently have weak or non-existent boundaries. As Sandy Hotchkiss says in this book I am reading, "The Narcissist suffers from a deep character flaw in the development of sense of Self. This flaw prevents such individuals from being able to recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who offer the possibility of some sort of gratification will be treated as if they are a part of the Narcissist and will be expected, automatically, to live up to that person's expectations... there is no boundary between Self and other."

I'm still piecing all this information together and figuring out how it applies to me. I am searching for my vulnerabilities that he appealed to and want to strengthen myself in whatever way I need to so that I do not fall in this trap yet again. I know that self-esteem has something to do with it. And I also know my upbringing and the horrid lack of boundaries that existed in my FOO and with others have affected me. I just need to figure out how to address these things.

Hope something here is helpful.