Wow, thanks for all the replys! Its nice to know there are people who understand what I am going through.
This may sound strange but at the moment I don't class myself as an alcoholic. I guess its a label I'm not comfortable with and deep down not ready to admit. I don't really know at what stage in a drinkers life can you actually say 'yup I'm definitely an alcoholic'
I don't drink everyday, i don't drink in the morning and I don't feel i need a drink just to get through the day. I just want to drink when I'm feeling low and even then I don't drink enough to appear drunk. I drink enough to feel it without my wife noticing. I also drink 'normally' with friends or with my wife when we go out for dinner. I like the normal drinking and its part of my life I look forward to and enjoy. I don't like the sneaky drinking or the need to escape from reality every now and then. I wish I could just be a normal drinker but I would imagine that is not easy when I have a side to me that drinks to forget or feel better about myself.
I drank last night, that's probably why i'm feeling remorseful today. I was not really drunk but I managed to get through a bottle of wine and 2 beers. Probably not a huge amount to some people. The problem is i did this without my wife knowing. All she saw was me having one glass of wine. I feel horrible about this, like I'm leading a double secret life. I hate sneaking booze into the house. The other day she was out in the garden with the kids and I had to do a quick military operation to get the booze from my car safely into the drinks cabinet without her seeing. Its crazy. I've obviously got an issue and although it may not be really bad right now I think its got the potential to turn into a big problem. I cant believe how easy it is to drink in secret, its scary what I can get away with.
I need to sort myself before it gets any worse. Quick question, can I ever be a normal drinker or is that just to risky? I love going to the pub and out for meals. Not being able to have a beer or a glass of wine would be a massive loss in my life. What I just typed sounds really stupid and selfish. Why do I want to continue with something that is causing me so much grief? How would I interact in social environments without drinking? Going out for a nice meal without a drink just sounds alien to me. Drinking is definitely ingrained deep into society. Apart from the physical and physiological addiction its also a massive part of my life and the scary thing is that without alcohol there would be a huge void that would need to be filled with something?
Thanks again for the support. The more I look into my life the more questions I keep finding.