I really didn't understand why I needed to keep things private about my mental illness. I've never been one to hide any of my thoughts, feelings, emotions or struggles. "I'm an open book," I always say. In fact, I find it very difficult NOT to explain to people why I am the way I am and that I am working on correcting it.
But my boss is the perfect example of why not to tell everything about our private lives. Even though my co-workers and bosses are like the best family I've ever had...there's one big difference - My boss has the power to send me to the unimployment line if it suits him! Since returning to work, I have realized his bias of mental illness. He said his brother was bipolar and I just now realized that he probably didn't have a very good relationship with his brother (from things I've been told) and he is equating my illness with his dislike or estringement with his brother. WOW...I'm going to have to check more into that idea b/c he's on the war path with me. Nearly every day, he makes me feel as though I am purposely acting in opposition to him and scolds me like my father use to. It makes me feel so degraded. He thinks, much like my sister, in that I am making bad choices or decisions and that is what my problem is. For example: when I'm late like I was today by 30 minutes and arriving at 10:30 a.m., he quizzes me every time about WHY (which I've tried to explain time and time again)? And asks, "What time did you go to bed?" (which before bp, I had the freedom to come to work anytime btwn 9 a.m. and 2 p.m.). Which first of all, I just realized is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS, And secondly, he thinks that if I was being responsible and went to bed before midnight then I would have no problem being at work on time! He doesn't understand that having trouble waking up is part of this disease and he is castrating me about the time issue just because he can! Last night I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 10:15 a.m. with my alarm in my hand, laying on my pillow and turned off. It is as if I'm sleep walking when I do this stuff, b/c I wake up completely unaware of what I've done and well - what a way to start a day! Luckily I had fallen asleep in my clothes so I jumped in my shoes and then into my car and called him on the way to tell him I was headed there.
Anyway, needless to say, I wish I would have never told him anything even though it's hard with him b/c he acts like he has a right to know everything and my self-esteem is so low that I usually don't realize he's violating my privacy until after I've answered his questions.
Another example is that when I was going through the hiring process he asked if I was married and did I have any kids. I'm not and I don't. But later realized that if I had been a wife or a mother, he probably wouldnt' have hired me since he never hires anyone who's married or has kids (that I'm aware of). And anyway that is a discriminatory question and I didn't realize it was against the law for him to ask those type of questions until recently.
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I start the intensive, day treatment program Monday, so I'm hoping for some relief of some kind. It's going to cost me $1,000 - $2,000 or more depending on how long I have to go, but it's something I have to do. It's going to be very hard though on many fronts, but I'm sure I can make it - I have to.
Well, thanks guess for all your thoughts and kind words and vibes and prayers and anything and everything you can and have sent my way.
Jen