Wow folks. Thanks for the incredible replies.
I spent yesterday doing research. Did the AVRT crash course twice (the second time was less abstract to me)
Im weirdly gratefull for my 12 stepping time. It did allow me to accept that my drink/drug problem was out of control. Just ran into a brick wall eventually. I think both these programs (SMART and AVRT) are fantastic. It is a little sad that AA/NA are the only options given to many people.
But if we search long and hard enough we will find them. All of a sudden addiction makes sense to me, and what I understand I can conquer.
I do not feel helpless/powerless at all. I felt extremely powerfull and confident going into meetings when I last started. And that started getting eroded away by the group "consciousness".
I have never felt as powerfull over my addiction as I do now. I look at what ive written and think this is 'crazy', how could I change so quickly... but why not? When a prospector finds a gold nugget, he finds it an instant. Much digging and preparation was done to reach that point, but once found. It is found.