Grieving is like riding these huge waves. I cant believe it's been a month already... crazy.
At times I'm doing ok - smiling even, hopeful for the future and then CRASH... dark broody sad and really scared. Only to go slowly up again...
I keep going through so many things in my mind... so many many things.
I always said to him that I wouldn't give up on him if he didn't give up on himself. I knew when he went into 'treatment' (a government run housing place) for the 5th time in December, it was only to dry out and to try to get me back... - He hated it there... hated following rules, got bored, wanted to spend money, wanted to come home ... and at the end of Feb, because I told him that it would be at least until the end of this year before we could 'see', he just couldn't handle it and relapsed.
I didn't want his recovery to be a conditional thing for him to come home, but that's what he thought... and was upset and angry that he was doing all that he 'should be' and yet, I was unrelenting and was 'staying in the past' (his words). I was just trying to heal from all the crap that happened since 2010... and trying to just function without going mental (or offing myself).
Even when he had left in November on a big binge relapse until his death last month (one month ago today), I felt I was in limbo... I didn't really do much of anything except sleep, stay at home and just try to sift through all the mental anguish in my brain. It didn't help with his constant emails, calls and coming here unannounced.
I still loved him so much, but my anger at his lack of empathy for my well-being drove me over the edge and I told him to 'get lost'...
After he left his govt treatment place, he relapsed, came to the apt and threatened suicide (where I called the police and they took him to a psych ward for 2 weeks), left the psych ward, relapsed, forged a few small cheques, relapsed again... and then moved in with his mum at the beg. of June.
My last conversation with him was at the end of June and although it was somewhat 'pleasant', there was a nagging feeling that he was trying to manipulate my feelings so that he could 'get his way' yet again. I received a text message soon after reiterating our conversation about how he found it hard to adjust to life without me, that he hoped I forgave him, that he never wanted it to be like this... etc. I left it. Didn't respond... I was too scared that it was going to open the addict-pandora box all over again.
The next day, I guess because I didn't answer his 'nice' text, he tries again, this time, trying to entice me to go on a road trip with him as an 'old friend'... he tried texting me 3x until I told him to leave me alone or else I would call the police.
He then turned NASTY... and promptly texted me 3 more texts that basically said that he was going to sic his lawyer after me and that I would be paying for everything in the divorce... and even worded things so I'd read between the lines...
It was the last time we ever conversed again. I called the police and they emailed and called him to tell him to leave me alone or he'd be arrested.
Again, one of the hardest things for me to do.
I tread like mad on these 'waves' - regretting all that I did above... wishing I just gave in and allowed him home. Thankfully, however, that doesn't last for long (seconds maybe) because another wave comes - a more calmer one and allows me to coast along... knowing that it was the ONLY thing I could have done... to save myself.
What I did really wasn't about/for him at all. It was for me... for my sanity... for my LIFE. If, by some miracle, he had changed for the better because of the actions I took for myself, then it would have been such a blessing... but that was all up to him to do. Not me. And unfortunately, he lost his battle with himself.
There's nothing I could have done to save him from himself... nothing. I may have postponed the inevitable for a while longer, but at what cost to myself? I shudder to even think.
It doesn't make the grieving process 'easy' by any means... I miss him and the good things that made him my husband and the awfulness of addiction... that it knows no age, race or gender. It will take anyone.
I'm not fighting the grieving anymore, but I refuse to let addiction take me any further into its grasp of despair that it had on me when he was alive.
I'm sending out prayers to everyone this eve for personal peace and inner strength with whatever life is throwing at you right now and hope that you all will seek out YOUR health first and foremost.
I guarantee you that if you do, all the rest (whatever it is), will follow like it's suppose to (not how we 'want' it to). I've been learning the hard way to just "LET GO" and look after my own 'house'... it's kind of a mess right now, so I'll be cleaning it up for quite some time... and that's okay... because the focus will be on me and my recovery... and that's what it's all suppose to be about anyway, right?
Hugs
xo