Dear Schab,
I have no more to add to what has already been shared. I am the mother of a 21-year-old RAS (IV heroin) who is now almost 40 days clean. This is very early in recovery. I know it, but more importantly, he knows it.
I have no advice to give except that I reached out for all the help I could get. Meetings, SR, faith community--I was going under with him (at one time I was severely anorexic and suicidal), and I needed to save myself before I could ever hope to help anyone else.
My son has been a polyabuser (real word? real hell) for years, and has suffered abuse from his bio-father--to the point of being encouraged to commit joint suicide--as well as having had a diagnosis of clinical depression since he was in middle school. Plenty of serious obstacles. And many of them continue to arise. Such is the difficult nature of life on this planet.
But where there is life, there is hope. He is working a strong, if early, recovery (one must start somewhere). He has become an avid reader, an avid golfer, exercises vigorously every day, monitors his diet (starchy carbohydrates and sugar are "nutritional triggers" for him), has two job interviews scheduled (was offered a job a few weeks ago that he declined because the training interfered with the outpatient program he is in). He has completely rearranged his sleep habits (this is a young person who has not been awake before 4 in the afternoon in three years). Insomnia still hounds him, but he gets up, does what must be done, and moves on. I could go on, but the point I am making is that no matter how bleak it is--and it can be pretty f****** bleak--there is hope.
But you must take care of yourself. You must gain strength and calm. You do this with the help of other people. No matter what, you take care of yourself. This is the greatest gift you can give your son, believe it or not. No matter what happens, your health, sanity and well-being comes first. If it doesn't, no one wins.
I pray God grants you a clear head and a calm heart. There is much wisdom and love and compassion here on SR. These people saw me through the darkest time in my life, and I have never met one of them.
Keep posting. God and the "Mama Posse" (and every other brave, noble soul on here--all travelers on the journey) will walk with you and see you through.
Blessings to you.