Schab, my son has been missing and lost in his addiction for over 8 years, so he may as well be a thousand miles away. The thing is, when he lived with us in a loving home and had a warm and safe place to be and a job in my husband's business and encouragement to attend meetings and look after his recovery...he still used, stole, lied, and created so much chaos that we had no choice but to insist he leave.
We did this many times. Each time he moved back we thought it would be different. Each time he made promises that he couldn't keep and no matter how much we loved him, no matter how much we tried to guide him to a better life and no matter how much we supported his sobriety which was usually brief but sometimes lasted a year or more...no matter how much we gave, it didn't change anything.
If love could stop our addicted loved ones from using, not one of us would be here. So please don't feel guilty.
What helps me get through my days is to say a prayer each morning and give my son's care to God. Then I embrace the day and all the beauty it brings and live life well, as life was intended to be lived.
In time, you too can find the peace I know today. Meetings helped me find my balance and the 12-step program gave me a wonderful program that has helped me in all areas of my life.
I hope you find peace too, because it is heart breaking to be the mama of an addicted child.
Hugs