Trust Issues due to LYING!
Hi guys,
I'm just over 30 days sober. Getting sober and staying sober has been an ongoing battle for about 2 years now. I went to rehab in Aug. 2010 for 30 days. It was the second time I tried to treat my disease (but the first time was through outpatient - this was in patient). I was living out of state, moved back to my home town and almost immediately, started dating someone who had also gotten sober. I had 4 months under my belt and he had 6 months under his.
Eventually, we moved in together. He's stayed sober the whole time. I, on the other hand, have cheated, many times. Every time I fell off the wagon, I'd get away with it for a short period of time but eventually he'd find out. And since he'd find out when I was drinking, I would lie about it and he hated that part. He was able to handle my mess ups, but hated that I would lie to his face when I was clearly drunk. This, over the past 2 years, has created LOTS of trust issues. I have never lied to him about anything else, and I never lied sober, but the amount of times I've messed up with "trying to drink again" has been numerous. Like, every month for the first year. This last year has been better - 4 months on/binge/get caught/another 4 months on, repeat cycle.
Anyway, I'm really serious now and I'm really hoping this is it for me. I'm actively involved and want my recovery to work this time. I'm in a different, new place. But, he doesn't trust me farther than he can throw me. He got a breathalizer test for at home!
I get it. I messed up lots before. But, every time we get into any sort of argument, he'll bring this up. HE'll say he can't trust me, that's why he's not "nice" today, or that's why he's not as affectionate, or that's why he's quiet...it's like, I don't know if it's just been too much and it can never work or what...and I've tried to talk to him, believe me, but it doesn't work.
I tried so many avenues. I can't be blamed forever. I know I deserve the lack of trust - but I want to move forward. Any advice?