addictedtohim

My story starts five years ago when i met my now exbf. He was so fun to be around and we had a great relationship. We moved in together in my apartment and things were going great so his parents allowed us to move into the spare house they own that had recently become available. He lost his job soon after moving in so we were working off his low unemployment and my little hourly job that i was picking up overtime with. A couple months later i was laid off as well. We could no longer afford the place. I always knew he would take xanax with his friends sometimes to "hang out and relax" but then after i lost my job and his parents were constantly nagging about money is when i noticed he was starting to take them everyday. When he couldnt get more he would take advil pm to the point where one night he took so many I found him talking to himself and hallucinating so bad. I was petrified but took care of him all night. Even after i got a job and things got a tiny bit easier his drug use got worse. He received a DUI for getting pulled over and admitting to taking xanax. Yes, he was that messed up he admitted to a cop that he took some. Things went so out of control after that with his xanax use. I told him i would leave him if he didnt go to rehab. The next day he admitted to his parents he had a major xanax problem and wanted to go to rehab. We got him into a rehab and while he was there his parents were blaming me and making me feel so badly like this was all my fault. I was all to blame in their eyes to the point they kicked me out of my home. He lasted four days in rehab then came out and said he wanted to do it on his own and rehab wasnt for him. I was an idiot and still stayed with him. His parents and I rarely spoke and my bf did seem to have been clean for about six months. He then relapsed completely in front of me and accidentally that he didnt ever become completely clean but learned to control it. He flat out lied to my face for six months and i believed him. Even after the relapse night that i witnessed...i still stayed. A month later he kept going to his one friends house who used to be his dealer and would be strange around me everytime he would come back. About one week ago I asked him to do me a favor and pick my brother up from work and my bf gave me a huge attitude that he just got to his friends house (the old dealer) when i asked him why he was at his house every day and what was so important that he couldnt leave...he didnt respond to me for four days. That is when i decided that I would now shut his phone off (ive been paying for over a year) and take my only car that i had back from him. I told him last night not to contact me until he becomes completely sober and goes back to rehab and finishes.

The thing is, I am completely addicted to him. I cant stop thinking about him and if he is ok. I know i am killing him by paying for everything and letting him have my car. I dont know why i did it for so long. I just love him and think that he loves me enough to where he will stop because he wants to be with me. But, that isnt the case. I am hoping after a couple weeks without me he will start to hurt enough to want to go to rehab. His parents are completely in denial about the whole thing right now and is letting him stay in the second house free of rent because if they kick him out he tells them he will never talk to them again. I know it is the enablers who are killing him. It is just so hard to be without him even though he isnt the man i fell in love with. I guess it is just the hope that one day he will be again that keeps me around.