PohsFriend

Sure I do and she does give her all. Marriage isn't 50-50, it is 100-100. If she doesn't give her all it will be hard not to resent it but that's the whole point. I need my life to get back to normal and I need to be healthy and happy and I just can't tie that to whether or not a recovering alcoholic is there for me the way I hope she will be.

You do raise a good point. In MC with my ex we went through Harley's emotional needs stuff and the 'love busters' (man I hate marketing terms that lessen the message!) and there is one about selfish demands, She scratched her head and said that in 14 years I hadn't made one. ...hadn't made many unselfish requests either.

I've also come to realize that this is not a partnership of one broken person and one whole one. I gots some issues of my own to resolve :-)

Here is one: I grew up with a bipolar, BPD, NPD mom and whoooops, it turns out that influences my adult behavior. I have trouble setting limits, setting boundaries or asking for the same courtesy I give. My ex said that I changed drastically a few years ago after beating cancer. I started setting limits and enforcing them after a lifetime of doing the eggshell shuffle ...anyone want to guess how that went over (hence the fact that my ex is ...ex)

So you are right and I thank you - I need to watch out for that. Right now, my 100% and my AW's 100% may look different. She is in the first year of recovery and pregnant. Wow, that's plenty. I married her knowing that there would be an imbalance in the beginning but only because I know that if she does stick to recovery, this is a woman with more courage and strength than anyone would believe when she is sober.

My lesson learned this week is that I need to stop worrying about that. She will recover or she won't. I need to recover and deal with my issues and move forward on the path to the kind of life I want to lead. Whether she's walking beside me a year from now or whether she can't is up to her and I have to stop trying to control that for my own sanity.

Meanwhile, I am working on finding some folks in al-anon who I click with and am fortunate enough to have some very good male friends to turn to when I need a hand, I have a really good Ind. therapist who 'gets me' and what I need most from my wife is what she is doing - she is working hard on her recovery. I am working hard to make sure that I am OK regardless of her outcome and the folks here helped me see that this week.

BTW: When I said that keeping myself sane and happy would make it easier for her to stay sober and making her feel worse about her alcoholism would make it harder... in no way does that make me responsible, even if I was nagging and blaming and making her feel bad that is no excuse.... just saying that it would be counterproductive to both of us.

Gotta stop getting in my own way ;-)