Old 09-07-2012, 07:42 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
lesliej
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Oneday...

"who couldn't think rationally at times and was starting to question my goodness as a person and personalize things that had nothing to do with me"

I so get this. In the midst of the downward spiral my ex would blame my imperfections as part of the reason he used, or he would try to mask his own symptoms of relapse by trying to compare his insanity with mine. Water reaches it's own level, and in our relationship his addiction wanted to level the playing field. As I always say...it's not necessarily "intentional". I say that because as new people to recovery we can NOT imagine that the loving beautiful side of that person we love could ever do such an evil manipulative thing. BUT that is the point...it is not the person...it is the person in addiction, (with or without the drugs...the person with an addiction who is not in recovery).

If my ex had hired an escort I probably would not have wondered what she had that I didn't...I would not have had time for that thought because my ex would have been so busy coming up with all of my imperfections and the "reasons" why he needed to hire an escort...because my defects are so awful.

This is the twisting awful corroding influence of addiction.
That demon beast is HUNGRY and it not only wants the life, character and spirit of the person it uses...it wants the life, character, spirit, joy and love of those people connected to the user.

I told my ex when I first discovered his using/relapsing addiction that I would NOT allow him to "feed my heart to his demon"...and then it took me over a year to figure out how for ME to stop giving that demon a free lunch.
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