Originally Posted by
PohsFriend 
I have reallllly wasted a lot of energy being stupid lately.
I know the road ahead is a long one, I'm just so much more relaxed now that I realize that all I can do is focus on my recovery which began when she lapsed. We've been playing tug of war and it is time to drop the rope, I'm tired. Letting go is helping.
She may never lapse again, she probably will and the only thing worrying about it will do is make me into the unhappy ***** who makes her feel worse and more stressed... Thus more likely to drink.
It's like a lightbulb went off. I don't have to solve this and couldn't if I tried so screw it. I'm dealing with what DID happen and not what might happen or what could have happened. Alanon will help me, I need it as much as she needs Aa and we share what we are learning since we have been learning about this disease together since she first started coming apart two years ago.
I get it now, going to her open meetings was good but Aa is for them, alanon is for my sanity. Now I know where to focus, on making MYSELF sane, healthy and rational and most of all happy again. That way I can enjoy loving the woman I adore instead of drowning in fear of what might happen.
Funny... That lapse is looking like good luck now. It woke us both up and pulled us closer together. While we each have out own path to recovery I am very blessed. Today was a good day, tomorrow is another day and it will be another good day or it won't, the odds of it being a good one go down the more I worry about it.
You haven't wasted time being stupid, you are going through a learning process. And although you had a series of serious reactions, it's okay - you're human and you need to protect yourself and your unborn child.
Secondly, you can't possibly be
"the unhappy ***** who makes her feel worse and more stressed... Thus more likely to drink. "
You can't control her emotions either. How she deals with you being stressed is her problem. You can control her emotions as much as you can control her drinking - not one whip! My Wife blames me for all her drinking - though it has little to do with me. How she copes with her own stress and her own emotions is out of your control. Some people take a walk, some listen to music, some paint, some read - and our A's head for the bottle.
I like this part though:
"Today was a good day, tomorrow is another day and it will be another good day or it won't, the odds of it being a good one go down the more I worry about it"
You're doing well, keep going and don't forget about yourself. And as another poster asked: "who do you turn to for support?"
Good Luck