Been a long week and a long day but a good one.
I have reallllly wasted a lot of energy being stupid lately. Spent a long time apologizing to wife tonight for that.
Men's al-anon meeting was super. When I had my turn to talk I got pretty choked up and the tears let loose for a bit but that was good for me.
I know the road ahead is a long one, I'm just so much more relaxed now that I realize that all I can do is focus on my recovery which began when she lapsed. We've been playing tug of war and it is time to drop the rope, I'm tired. Letting go is helping.
She may never lapse again, she probably will and the only thing worrying about it will do is make me into the unhappy ***** who makes her feel worse and more stressed... Thus more likely to drink.
It's like a lightbulb went off. I don't have to solve this and couldn't if I tried so screw it. I'm dealing with what DID happen and not what might happen or what could have happened. Alanon will help me, I need it as much as she needs Aa and we share what we are learning since we have been learning about this disease together since she first started coming apart two years ago.
I get it now, going to her open meetings was good but Aa is for them, alanon is for my sanity. Now I know where to focus, on making MYSELF sane, healthy and rational and most of all happy again. That way I can enjoy loving the woman I adore instead of drowning in fear of what might happen.
Funny... That lapse is looking like good luck now. It woke us both up and pulled us closer together. While we each have out own path to recovery I am very blessed. Today was a good day, tomorrow is another day and it will be another good day or it won't, the odds of it being a good one go down the more I worry about it.