PohsFriend

Hi Lulu,

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. There really are no words I can think of to express what you must have to deal with.

I'm absolutely not prepared for the possibility of dead baby, so far the pregnancy is going very well and mother and child appear to be in perfect health. Mom's alcohol consuption over the course of her pregnancy totals about 3 oz of vodka which was regurgitated after about a minute so hopefully little was absorbed. My wife is under the care of one of the best medical teams in the world and that team includes a psych consult due to mom's illness, we see them again today.

I can almost feel the rage in your post and my first reaction was defensive but I reacted much like you did - "HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY DARE TO ENDANGER THAT BABY!".... and unlike you I have not experienced the loss of a child, thank God. I can only imagine that the very concept of a drink passing her lips would cause visceral pain for you.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

My son's mother has a pretty awful disease and I am scared to death that she could have a lapse any time, for any reason or no reason and that was the terrifying lesson for me last weekend. I read something interesting from al-anon last night. The shame and humiliation that an alcoholic suffers is so much greater than we can really understand so my piling on and telling her what she already knew wasn't helping. Being supportive and kind without dismissing the seriousness of what she did works much better. She is frightened and humiliated by what happened and the constant support of her husband, sponsor and 4-5 girls from AA as well as comprehensive medical supervision is the best bet for her and my son at this time. As appalled as I am, you are and anyone would be that she took that sip after 8 months of a perfect record and had to restart the clock with a new 24 hr chip... well, the lesson folks here have been teaching me is that I can't control this so I need to deal with what I know and what I can control. I know she messed up, I also know that 1 day out of 250 is 1 day too many for her to screw up but if I ignore the 249 days that she woke up determined to stay sober and did so because of that one day then I am not helping. That took me a while to get to and I am struggling with it as is she... one day at a time.

So my son won't be born with FAS or addiction because mom - and she is a mother, not a 'gestator', is not using. She had one drink in 8 months, many 'normal' women have a daily glass of wine... but she is not normal, she has this incredibly nasty and incomprehensible disease so one sip is sufficient cause for me to be rather hysterical for 4 days. I don't take it lightly nor does she. If she was using drugs or alcohol throughout the pregancy then I would be terrified of the things you mention but that hypothetical isn't really applicable since I would have taken action long ago if that were the case and the medical team would have intervened on my son's behalf.

Hate the disease, not the patient. My wife is doing everything in her power to eat, rest, exercise and live cleanly and healthily because she loves our son more than her own life. What I had trouble getting and what I am sure is hard for others, herself included, to get was that passing by that damned liquor store was not in her power. I think step one says something about that, I just didn't get it and neither did she. In the end, her therapist and her sponsor pointed out that this was a good thing. A wakeup call perhaps, we shudder at what could have happened but it did not happen and we can't do much of anything unless and until something does happen. Powerlessness is about as comfortable as a kidney stone for me but I'm trying to learn to recognize it.

Thank you for your concern and again, I wish I had the words to express my condolences for your loss and pray that somehow you find peace, I am not sure that I could.