Thanks all.
I will be talking to the doctor tomorrow, I have a newcomers meeting for Alanon tonight, we have marriage counseling on Friday, she has a one on one tonight with her sponsor.
I have had a chance to talk to her and think over the lapse. It does make sense. When we are home she has her meetings and there is no booze around. About two monhts ago she found a bottle she had hidden 9-10 months ago and came running to me to let me know so I could pour it out.
She found where I kept my one bottle of borubon a few weeks ago and told me right away. Monday night she told me that she wants me to give up alcohol completely - whether home or not. Previously she said she did not mind if I had wine with dinner or a glass of bourbon which I like to have maybe one or two nights per week. She wants me to give it up entirely so I will. I'm not thrilled about it and not having a glass of wine at dinner or a drink with a client when I'm not around her seems harmless but it is a sign of solidarity and next time we go somewhere and people are drinking she won't be the odd one out. I'm willing to do that since it is a way to be supportive and shows her that I am willing to live as she has to.
So I am reviewing the past few weeks in my head looking to see if I missed anything and I really don't think so. She acted a little whacky one night after being overtired and taking an ambien and her counselor said that can make you act loopy and that's the only time she showed any sign of intoxication in 8 months.
So I have some conflicting goals here - on the one hand I have to be vigilant because her disease requires it. On the other hand, my objective is to get to a point where we are equal partners and best friends, not inmate and warden. Plus, I am VERY disappointed that she slipped but very PROUD that she made it 8 months and then instead of justifying or dismissing her monumental goof, she went to her meeting and walked up to get that 24 hour chip and start all over. I'm focused on the slip because the possible ramifications are so off the chart serious but if she's going to get well then I need to see the success, not just the failure and praise the success. She already feels bad enough about the failure and she's being accountable.
I agree that contracts and checking up and all this CRAP is a horrible way to live and not the life either of us wants. I guess I am searching for some sanity in all of this, kinda like a halfway house between the current instability and the eventual marriage we want to have.
Our marriage has zero chance if either of us feels like we have to be perfect and it has zero chance if she were to drink or if I were to I dunno - have a girlfriend. So the answer is in the middle and it's a moving target and it's slippery and invisible.
Al anon and writing it out here should help, I am fighting to find the right balance of supportive and vigilant. When I married her knowing that this problem existed I made a promise. I did not promise to accept active drinking or to be responsible for her issues but I did promise in sickness and in health, for better for worse, forsaking all others.
So I need to do that - not at the expense of my own mental health or the best interests of my children and not if she decides to say screw it, I'm gonna drink and he can like it or not... but if she can walk up in front of thirty people and ask for that chip with her belly then I can set aside my hurt feelings and prop her up.
I'll need to figure out boundaries and how to communicate them in a way that is not threatening and demeaning but honest and respectful and I hope we can agree on them and write them down so that if they are broken there is no argument: IE, if you drink then you go to rehab and there is no argument. I'm afraid to write the "and if you don't get help then..." part because that part is clear and heartbreaking to think about. I won't be caretaker to an active addict ever again because I am a fixer and I like to take care of people and that can be a beautiful quality but it can be incredibly harmful when it crosses over to 'enabling doormat'. Enabling could kill her and ruin me.
Thanks for listening. I am figuring it out a bit at a time and it will be a marathon rather than a sprint. Need to even out the hills and dips and keep a more even keel.... hope for the best, try not to be surprised by the dips and focus on the goal.
Loving her so much helps :-)