PohsFriend

OK, before anyone says "you should just get away from her and leave" please see my other thread.

There are lots of reasons why I am going to keep trying to make things work with my AW....

For this thread, I am hoping to put together a plan. It won't be perfect but is how I am wired. For those who have stuck with an alcoholic through recovery and have had success i need your help.

So what am I doing:

1. She is committed to AA and has a strong sponsor, she has been working the program for 8 months and had one lapse: She bought a bottle and had about two shots before she did the fingers down throat routine and puked it out. Prior to that a long downward spiral over several years where she functioned well before the wheels came off last year. So rule #1: She needs to stay actively working AA.
2. She and I have individual counselors who are awesome and a MC I am not sure about just yet but getting individual help is an absolute key. Rule #2: She keeps working with her therapist to resolve the triggers and underlying issues.
3. I am going to start Al-Anon. Rule #3: I need to use al-anon, this forum, individual therapy etcetera to keep myself on the right track and avoid enabling and codependency.
4. She is pregnant. If she slips even once while pregnant or with an infant, there needs to be a plan and it needs to be pretty damned black and white. I am favoring getting a medical power of attorney that says I can put her in rehab against her will if she drinks. I believe she will agree to that. Has anyone tried something similar? How hard is it to put someone in against their will and keep them there until the professionals think they are ready to get out? Obviously while she is pregnant I can't go with 'Let her drink if she wants, you can't stop her'

????

So I guess I am trying to figure out a contract with her. A mutual one that spells out our mutual responsibilities and commitments to one another but I don't know what the boundaries should be or the 'consequences'.

I do not want to play cop, I hate that i feel compelled to do that but my son to be, my daughter and I are all at risk if she drinks. How do I stand firm on safety while being loving and supportive and showing her that I am on her side?

I feel as though for my own sanity I need to let her really understand what it was like for me back when she was out of control but maybe that doesn't matter, maybe that is just me rubbing her nose in it?

Maybe "here is what I am afraid of and how it would hurt me" is better as it removes blame and shame. Blame and shame suck and make someone want to rebel and fight back.

Some things I can see putting on our list:

1. She agrees that she will tell me any time she is struggling and I will agree not to reprimand her or otherwise be judgmental or less than loving.

Alternative: She promises to call her sponsor and give sponsor the OK to speed dial me if she ever thinks wife and/or child is in danger.

2. If she does lapse, there is no argument. Whether she confesses to me or sponsor or not, the following will happen: (No idea...)

3. Breathalyzer... she will take one any time I ask and not take it out on me or complain that I am being mean. She is powerless over alcohol and can't be sure she will be honest if she does lapse and I need to know since it would be a risk to our baby. (Should I toss in random drug testing? In the past I've seen her overdo everything from Tylenol PM to Xanax to Ambien)

4. Money: She is not working now. Managing money is an issue for her so I am thinking we go to a card only system where we both have to show every single transaction no matter how small. PITA but makes budgeting easier and helps. Unfortunately she could sit in any bar and get fifteen drink offers and 3 marriage proposals in 15 minutes so this ain't perfect.

5. Location tracking on cell, always available by cell.

6. Share plans and whereabouts. Where are you, who are you with etcetera.



BTW - this is all mutual stuff, I am not and have never been the type who would or woruld want to control someone. In a marriage, no secrets and complete transparency is just a good idea for many reasons as it makes it hard for either party to lead a secret second life or have an affair... be it with a person or a bottle.

My hyperactive and spastic need to figure this out right now is due to my utter shock and disbelief when i found the bottle the other day. No plan is perfect and she is very very good at hiding things despite saying she is completely open. ...that's not fair, she is that way, the alcoholic who shares her brain is cunning and deceitfull and great at slipping out of everything.

I feel like I need to establish a set of boundaries and agreements so that it is black and white, cause and effect, no gray areas, no argument, no more 'well I said I would not do X but technically I did not so did not report it"....

Honesty isn't just telling the truth, it's revealing the truth and making sure that you don't leave your partner walking around with a false impression of ANYTHING.

Anyone know a book or a list or a 'contract with an alcoholic' for someone living with an alcohlic in recovery?

I know it will only be a bandaid, not a cure but right now I don't even have that bandaid and trusting my gut isn't working, I'd like to see a map drawn by thoise who've been down this path successfully.... and will humbly appreciate input from those who tried and failed and said "Yup, here's what I missed" or "Hey, look out for that".

I effing hate this. I just want to be able to love her, be loved back and have a happy family. She is absolutely the right woman, it's the evil twin in her mind that wants a drink that I can't stand.

Thanks for letting me continue to vent and process this guys.... helps me organize my thoughts so that I can be nuts here and the calm, steady, strong rock she needs with her.