so at three months of "dating" this is where you are at...
"I'm not even as worried about relapse as I am his mental and emotional health. He carries so much pain and gets so down on himself. I try to help the best I can, but there is only so much I can do. He rejects a lot of my ideas, but doesn't come up with his own. Yet claims he cares about me and will do whatever it takes to not lose me. I really really want this to work, but do not want to become a codependent (I've been reading a lot about that lately and fear I already sound like one...) and I also don't want to put my life on hold trying to fix someone else"
wow...
I believe that relationships grow out of the seeds that are planted in the beginning...they evolve out of their origins. this relationship started too fast, started within six months of your last long term relationship (rebound?) and is full of self pity and loathing, it's too hard, too much work and already has built in limitations...
this is the seed that you have to work with, to grow out of
have you ever considered that relationships are easiest at their start?
as cynical said, we all put on our best face forward in the beginning...
that it "should be" fun and light hearted in the beginning and then work on the harder stuff as you move forward and make the decision to commit???
it sounds like a big load of chemistry got released..."love" the endorphins that get released in the chemistry of it...can be one of the most powerful drugs around, and you are already hooked on your unhappy, self hating, guilt ridden dealer...and you don't want to let go of the source
someone who is really in recovery deals with their self pity/guilt/loathing...that IS what recovery is all about!
only three months into it and you are already spending your days thinking about his problems and trying to solve them...finding online resources to help HIS problems...
I am being bold and blunt...and it's not even judgement...it's just what we do!
welcome to SR