I'm not proud ... BUT at the same time it felt good.
I sent a message to my AH to see if he had signed the final divorce paper - I think secretly I was still hoping for a "miracle". Well, he wrote back that he was dropping it off today. A jolt of pain flew through me and I lost it. Not sure why, but I did.
So I sent him a message telling him:
- I wished he would realize that our marriage had a chance if he would have sought and achieved sobriety.
- that I loved him and was praying for him everyday that he would somehow see that alcohol was destoying him and us.
- that I would take part of the blame for our problems early in our relationship, but I refused to take the blame (something he ALWAYS put on me) for anything that has happened recently.
- that at least I tried to make our marriage work when the ONE thing he could have done (sobriety) was the the one thing he always had an excuse for (keep in mind, my AH admits that he's an alcoholic BUT ... AA wasn't for him, rehab was too expensive, couldn't take the time off of work, blah, blah, blah).
- that I simply wanted a loving spouse and who I got was someone who didn't seem to care -- AT ALL.
- if he thought I beleived him that he was being honest with his family about what REALLY happened to us, he was nuts. I know, with 100% certainty, that "I AM AN ALCOHOLIC" never has came out of his mouth (I know I shouldn't care but I do).
- I could see him telling eveyone that we just didn't see eye-to-eye (no we didn't buster! I don't know one person that can see eye-to-eye with someone who is selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, dilusional, sick, etc., etc. etc.).
- I couldn't compete with his number one priority - ALCOHOL.
- that he destoyed me ... my hopes and my dreams ... and that I hoped he was proud of how much he used me (in more ways than I could ever list here).
- that our life could have been much different if he put down the effin drink, grew up, remained true to his vows, and acted like a man instead of running away ... AGAIN.
Again, I'm not proud of my childish rant ... BUT I didn't stop there (forgive me).
- I didn't know who he was anymore (then again I'm not sure I ever knew who he was)
- that I hoped one day he could look back and realize how much he has hurt me, his step-daughter and our marriage.
- what a fool I was for allowing him back in my life (again) and for being intimate with him when it meant everything to me and most likely nothing to him
- what a fool I was for believing him when he said that he loved me, always would and would never give up on me.
I concluded with the fact that I should have LISTENDED to him when he told me that he was not in a good spot and that if he had to choose between alcohol and me he would choose alcohol. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENDED, but I didn't because I loved him and wanted so desperately for our marriage to be ok.
Over the past 3+ years I have walked on egg shells. I rarely said what I wanted to say (or what needed to be said) for fear that he would walk out on me (let's be honest ... he did that quite well without me saying anything at all - numerous times). So, this just spilled out. Not very lady like, but could have been worse I suppose - At least I didn't say everything that was flowing through my brain.
I KNOW he doesn't care. I KNOW he can't care. I KNOW this is for the best. I KNOW this is best for my daughter. I KNOW my heart will one day heal. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW ... but it's still so flippin sad.
Thanks for letting me vent. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without SR.