Hang in there.
I am having a lot of those "How could you do this to me?" and "How could you be so selfish?" thoughts right now.
FWIW, I don't think they choose it. What I saw the other day convinced me that the true alcoholic is an addict and the shame and devastation my wife is feeling after taking one drink after 8 months then having to go through the shame and humiliation and guilt and seeing me furious and disappointed... once the bravado and defensiveness wore off she's really hurting. She can't explain why she did it, she said she can't answer me when she can't understand why she did it herself.
I don't excuse her, I do believe her.
I think it is good that you let it all out and by no means would I defend him but let me offer this thought.... we never know what another person is or is not thinking or feelling. You know that he kept drinking when it hurt you, you don't know that he did not love you.
People do some awful things to the people they love sometimes.
Again, that is not to defend him but to comfort you a bit. It's hard enough to know that someone you love and who loves you would risk everything for a damned drink without having to accept that they just don't care and you don't matter to them.
Hope you take this as intended. Hate the disease, hate what it does, hate the pain it caused you...just don't diminish your own self worth thinking he chose it over you. He lacked the strength to choose anything when he kept drinking, himself included.
Praying I am not right behind you on this crazy train :-)