Originally Posted by
Pigtails 
I think another problem with his drinking is that it's really held him back in life... he has a lot of self-esteem issues and feels like a failure and has not lived up to his potential at all, but it's a continuing cycle b/c he'll feel bad and drink, and drink and feel bad, etc., and, while he has made great strides since we have been together, I feel he will never know his true potential unless he stop drinking/smoking pot. But he thinks that smoking pot helps his anxiety and ADD, and that he "self-medicates" with alcohol and that otherwise he wouldn't be able to deal with his own head. Anyway I guess I'm just rambling now. :-/
Learn2Live has been posting some great stuff recently by a guy named Dr. George Simon.
One of the pieces I am really picking up from those posts is how I have to start just looking at the behavior, not the reasons behind it. My exAH had just gotten diagnosed with ADD (at 40) and it made a huge difference in his life, he was adopted, he was experiencing grief from loosing his dad.
I am in recovery for my own eating disorder. I spent a lot of my relationship with my ex saying "yeah but I would have used food over that."
It kept me in denial about how bad my loved ones behavior was (the violence with drinking, the crudeness, the driving while intoxicated). I thought his problems gave him an out for his behavior....but half the time he could not even remember when they happened.
My exAH had the same opportunities for recovery that I did. It is still hard for me to understand sometimes that he did not choose them, when my life is so much better because I did.