(((((TJP)))))
Thank you very much for starting this thread.
"The value you put on the lost will be determined by the sacrifice you are willing to make to seek them until they are found."
When I first saw that signature line, I knew the 'new member' was codependent, lol Was I insulted? Maybe a little bit, but I didn't go there, instead I decided I would see how long it takes for the 'new member' to change their signature line, lmao
At one point, in my early years in Alanon, before I started to understand that my
priority list needed to be:
HP first
then ME
then those around me in order of importance to me
I gave my all to my A, everything. I knew his new DOC was gambling but I also suspected that he was partaking of the 'free drinks' the casinos give out. I repeat, I GAVE MY all!!!! With NO RESERVATIONS. Boy was I a dummy, rof but not laughing.
Moneywise it was over $25,000 and that was back in '84, '85, '86 and a bit of '87. Today that would be over $60,000. The money though was only a small part of what it cost me. I totally lost my peace and serenity. I turned into a sober raving lunatic. I could not understand 'why' he could not use the 12 steps to stop his gambling and come back to me. And, I was DEVASTATED that I, who loved him SO MUCH, could not HELP him or FIX him.
Wow was I in codependency DEEP. When I was finally in the throes of PAIN. my Alanon sponsor, who is a 'double winner' and at that time her practicing alcoholic husband and she were still living together, took me aside and we went out to eat and talk. That 'talk' lasted 5 hours, lol and she finally got me to understand and see that the only one who would be able to help Ken was Ken and his HP.
That all that energy I was spending on him to 'fix' him needed to be put back on myself so that I could 'save' myself. That I was allowed to be "happy, joyous and free" as promised to me in the program of AA. That I was allowed to have 'peace and serenity' in my life, regardless of what my husband did or didn't do. That I could be like her and continue to live with him or I had the choice to separate.
She helped me to understand that my Marriage Vows were a 'contract' that we both had committed to, and that when one of the parties breaks the contract I was then not obligated to stay through 'sickness'. That was a hard one for me, here was this woman telling me that it would be okay to divorce Ken and she was staying with her husband. I did come to find out thought, that with the laws the way they were back then in California, had she divorced, she would have lost a lot monetarily, including the home that SHE bought and PAID for. So she chose to stay, and just live her own life. On his last binge, she came home from an AA meeting to find him passed out on the living room floor and breathing 'funny' and she immediately called 911. He passed away 2 days later from cirrhosis of the liver and other related alcohol issues.
So with the help of some more Alanon meetings and more one on one talks with Pat I finally filed for divorce. Crying as I signed the papers. We were living in Nevada by then and the whole 'divorce procedure' took exactly 30 days and it was granted, then it would be final in another 30 days, so a total of 60 days and I was 'legally' free. NOtice I said 'legally' free.
For me to 'free' myself took much longer. I was miserable for about a year. But I continued to attend both my Alanon meetings and my AA meetings. Once in a while he would be in the AA meeting I was attending, and it was those times that I would grab the hand of whatever friend was with me and HANG ON TIGHT.
I did get better, I left Nevada and moved to New Mexico, where it seems I am destined to live the rest of my life, roflmao. I would get calls from him about every 10 months to a year, and it was by about the second call that I realized I wasn't gasping any more when I saw the number on my caller ID. (I got caller ID as soon as it was available and at that time I had to pay extra for it but for me it was worth it). I really was getting better. And every call when he would tell me how he was doing and what he was doing I would ask him "how's that working for you?" Long before Dr Phil started to use it, long before anyone had even heard of Dr Phil. lol
His last call to me was in December of '06. Something was different about him his voice and the way he was talking was so different. He asked me for help to get him into a treatment center. I said I would see what I could do. I got him a bed in the Salvation Army rehab here, called him, he was very enthusiastic about it and since he said he was too shaky to drive here, I agreed to drive the 5 1/2 hours to pick him up the next day and drive him back here. (He lived in the Phoenix area by this time). I drove over there the next morning, arrived at 9:10 am. (You know how early I left here, lol). I had to think about this, but realized that he did sound sincere this time and since it was not something he could do for himself, I could and would do it. Just like I would for any other alcoholic in his shape.
When I arrived, he was so bad, thin as a rail (he had never carried a lot of weight, he was 6'2" and usually weighed about 170) I would say was probably at about 140 pounds or less, was very yellow not just his eyes but his skin and was shaking like a leaf in a strong breeze. I didn't call an abulance, I knew it would take too long for it to get there and then the 'dicking around' with the paper work. Instead, I said to ken, 'give me your insurance card, were going to the hospital before we go anywhere."
I got him to the hospital in record time, thankfully I didn't see one police car as I was speeding badly. There was no waiting at the hospital, the Triage Nurse took one look at him and escorted us back to a cubicle. Once the doctors and nurses were 'seeing to him' and that was also almost immediately, I went and did the hospital 'paperwork' etc and came back to him. I started having a bit of a De jevu moment remembering my sponsor's story about her hubby. LIttle did I know how similar it would become.
Within about 30 to 45 minutes of us being there he was admitted to the ICU unit. When he was 'settled' up there, he asked me if I was staying. I said I could if he wanted me to. He said yes and gave me his apartment keys and told me to stay at his place rather than spend money on a hotel, and I did. I called back to NM and told my daughter what was going on and asked her to look after my dogs (I only had two at that time, lol). She said 'no problem'.
He was in bad shape and was not 'bouncing back.' I found the number and called his twin brother up in San Franciso and relayed how bad Ken was. His brother and wife arrived the next day.
He only lasted 4 more days. The Death Certificate listed cause of death as cirrhosis of the liver and alcohol poisoning. I stayed to help his brother, as they had been estranged also and he had no idea what Ken would have wanted. I could only go by what he and I had discussed years before, so we did that. He was cremated, his brother took the ashes to be strewn in the mountains east of Santa Cruz and we had a Memorial Service for him. Quite a few AA members attended and were very sad that he gone back to alcohol 'one more time' as they said he had over 2 years again.
I came home when it was all over, and vowed to myself that I would NEVER allow myself to become that involved with an A again. That I would NEVER extend myself so far that it destroyed me in the process. Not that this time I was destroyed or even close to it, because for me he had died a long time before that. This was just another A to me that didn't make it.
But, it was his death, that finally 'triggered' something in me to realize how REALLY CODIE I had been for many years, and not just with the A's in my life but with ALL the folks in my life that I cared about. Sheeeeeesssssshhhh. in January of '07 I was still a pretty sick cookie only I had not thought so. i sat on this new discovery for a few days 'mulling' it over.
Then I called Pat in California (she had also become my AA sponsor after Bev's passing in February of '99) and asked her if she would like to come for a visit (say 2 weeks minimum, lol) and I would pay her travel expenses. After we talked a bit, she said 'sure'. I picked her up at the EP airport the next day. She stayed 5 weeks and I did another AA 12 steps and Alanon 12 steps.
I apologixe for the length of my response but this topic 'triggered' a lot in me. Since that 5 weeks in early '07 I have been totally different in how I interact with others in my life. I am still learning how NOT to give advice unless asked, but I am a lot better than I used to be, lol
So my answers are a simple NO I will not sacrifice to help another, be they an A or not. I will only do what I AM COMFORTABLE doing, not what may or may not be 'politically correct' or doing something because 'what will people think' if I don't.
I don't believe that those 'sacrifices' I made in the past helped any person that I was sacrificing for.
At 67 years old, I DO NOT sacrifice for anyone any more. That is why in October of 2010 I broke it off with my 'first love' after 10 months of seeing more and more 'Red Flags.' I was NOT going down that road again.
Insanity is the repetition of the same acts or actions 'EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.'
Today I AM SANE!
J M H O
Love and hugs,