I went for a drive out of cell phone and internet coverage. I sat down by a stream, oddly enough a place a took my AW on our first date. I sat down and read the first 2 chapters in the book A journey from abandonment to healing. And had some deep conversation with my self.
I feel better. I know my values and I know what is right. I know that nurturing The Crush in my head is only going to lead to pain. I know the reason for The Crush is the need to be loved, to feel loved. I know that nothing good can come of it. And most important, I am broken, and I need to do what ever it takes to heal my wounds.
I appreciate all of the advice here. I have been playing in my mind with thoughts of The Crush. I have been rationalizing it. I have not spoken about it to friends, only because of my pride holding to my values. When all along I have been toying with the idea of giving them up for self pleasure.