Our number one job as parents is to protect our children from harm. EVERYTHING else comes second to that. Would you allow a stranger in your home who was a drug addict and thief? These are the things that I tell myself everyday in order to protect my daughter from her father's bad decisions. We all struggle here, but we can never go into denial about the reality of our situation, for our children's sake.
My boyfriend grew up in a home with an abusive alcoholic father. Yours is a different situation. However, he still harbors major animosity towards his mother for not leaving his dad earlier than she did. Why? She was not abusive and was the victim of abuse herself. But, it was her job to protect him from harm and she chose to leave her son in that situation. She didnt protect him. He is now learning that she was just as ill as his father, albeit in different ways, and is learning to forgive. But, he still has to deal with the consequences of both of his parent's choices.
I learned from his stories and will not make the same mistake with my daughter. It's not my fault that her father is an addict. But, it IS my fault if I choose to leave her in the situation. He is only allowed to see her when he is clean AND receiving treatment. My boundaries are clearly defined. She may not understand that now, but one day she wil thank me for being strong enough to protect her and she will hopefully learn from my actions that the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing, but you need to be strong enough to do it anyway.
By the way, these realizations came after many mistakes, much soul searching, and the support of the people on these boards among others. We can't change the past but we can certainly change the future.