Hi & welcome!
After I left my AXH, I rode the wave of adrenaline for a good six months. I was part frightened part elated; I loved living on my own and not having to clean up after anyone else (except the kids); I was ridiculously happy and really dove into life headfirst. I had people over for dinner, I went camping with friends, I did pretty much everything I had wanted to do but that I didn't when I was married.
And then slowly, reality set in -- sort of realizing that even with a few years of Al-Anon and this place under my belt, my recovery was very much ongoing. Some coping behaviors I learned during my marriage surfaced very quickly, others didn't really surface until I got into a new relationship. I find that trust is difficult for me. I find that I'm awfulizing an awful lot and sometimes have a hard time being in the moment and enjoying the great life I do have now because somewhere in the back of my head, I still hear AXH tell me I don't deserve it (because I "abandoned" him) and because I spent so many years in a miserable relationship that... I almost expect reality to be bad.
Not a very bright picture, eh? But it is. Because I've learned an awful lot about myself. If I could go back and redo things, I would rather have lived in ignorance and avoided a marriage to an addict, but the truth is, coming out on this side, I'm a better person. I take better care of myself. I take shite from nobody. I'm learning to stand up for myself. I'm learning to say no. And I'm learning to trust and to not worry. It's a process, but it's going forward.