Welcome, Panacea,
I can understand how emotional it is to be at the point you are. I also knew I was making a mess of my life by drinking but didn't know what to do to stop. We do understand.
My suggestion is to get rid of all the alcohol in your home and don't buy anymore. If 4pm is a tough time for you, plan to be doing something else that will, temporarily, take your mind off drinking. Each day you get through will get a big easier.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html