Last night I went to a book club meeting that is comprised of women with whom I went to graduate school, with whom I am not really friends outside of the book group (but most of them are in the same circle of friends). I always tell myself to become better friends with these women, because they are "stable" and "normal" and not at all like my party friends whose lives are crazy and revolve around drinking.
Well, I mostly listened to them talking and tried to find ways to contribute to the conversation but felt really out of place and honestly just plain bored. They spent half an hour discussing all the different furniture stores in town and where they could find armoires that were neither too rustic nor too modern. :rotfxko I'm more of a goodwill hunter when it comes to furniture and felt I had nothing to contribute at all and also that the conversation was like something out of a John Updike story.
I felt weird. At least when we talk about books I can totally relate to everything (I'm a book nerd) and that's why I like the group and try to read the books and go to the meetings when I have time... but otherwise I feel out of sorts.
The weird thing is that I did have some things I could have said-- at one point they were talking about trying to adopt kids, and I have adopted siblings (but felt like I shouldn't say anything because it's a different situation and I have no idea what it feels like to try to adopt kids of my own, or the circumstances behind why they were trying/needing to do it, and didn't want to pry). At another point they were talking about how all their bosses were mean and yelled at them and I have definitely had that happen in the past (but now I'm my own boss and I had to refrain from gloating, "I don't think you HAVE to put up with that as part of the job/career... you could always try working for yourself..."). But I kind of felt like they wouldn't even care what I had to say or they didn't even want me there. I felt like when I said something they would look at me funny.
I was invited to the book group quite awhile ago by a woman from school that I kept in touch with over Facebook and email--she is my closest "friend" in the group but we are not even very close and I feel like some of the other women don't even want me there-- I don't know if this is just low self-esteem or an accurate taking of the temperature of the group.
In graduate school I was a big partier and these women weren't, or else they were for a little bit but then they got married and grew up or whatever, also they have rich families and/or husbands and most of them are from this city since childhood, and I moved here for graduate school because it was affordable and I had to pay for everything on my own, I am not rich by any means... so I just feel like we come from different worlds and they know it.
These women can easily have a glass of wine or beer during book club and that's it for the night (sometimes they don't even finish their whole drink-- wowza!). I obviously didn't drink, didn't even want to really, and was thinking that in the past I'd have "a glass" of wine to "loosen me up" and help me feel more comfortable with these women, but soon I'd start blabbering about silly things and have another glass of wine and then want to go out with my boyfriend or "other" friends to keep drinking.
I feel abnormal and different and I wish I could just be normal. :-/ I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and try to get to know people without caring too much what they think about me. But in reality I am very far from that and I feel so discouraged that I don't even want to try. Any suggestions??