Something weird I just realized..
I've denied my addiction for the last ten years. Three days ago I admitted my problem to myself and ever since then I've spent a lot of time thinking over most of my life. Now, I know it's only been 26 hours since I had my last drink, and I've been without for much longer in the past (never intending to quit for good, though), but it seems different this time for some reason. And I realize now, too, that I've always looked at my problems through the denial of my addiction (which I now realize I've always denied b/c of my low self-esteem... I didn't want to appear as someone with a weakness), so it was really unclear how all of these events were related. My bout with panic disorder in my late teens, which lead to my bout with depression, which lead to my drinking problem, which lead to my anxiety disorder. But for some reason, and I'm sure this is nothing new to most of you, just admitting that I have a problem has been so cathartic. It's put my past into perspective for me. It's put my future into perspective for me. Things seem more clear.
So, yeah. I lot of mumbled nonsense, but maybe someone can decipher it. Just felt like I needed to say that. I'm going for another walk.