Rakkadoc

Hi,

My name is Tim and I hurt my back really bad 10 years ago when I was lowered to the ground too fast on a rescue hoist in a blackhawk helicopter while attempting to rescue someone. I now have titanium and synthetic disks placed from L4, L5 and S1 and I am almost completely functional but I do have chronic pain. As one might have guessed by the blackhawk comment, I am military and I am just now going through the retirment process with 23 years of service to this great nation. What brings me here today is the fact that I am struggling with a nasty addiction to ultram... a drug we were all told was not addictive. I started taking ultram not long after my injury, I would say after I weened down from the heavy stuff in 2002. At the time ultram worked good enough that I didn't have to take any opiates to control my pain but now after 10 years my tolerance to the drug coupled with the pain I have and my addiction has me taking anywhere from 25 to 30 50mg tablets a day. I have tried to quit taking ultram 3 times now and have obviously failed at every attempt. The first time I was only taking about 10 to 12 a day and I quit cold turkey and went to AA and NA meetings and I lasted for almost 2 months before I couldn't take it no more and went back to the doc and got started on it again. The second time I tried to quit was last year.... I was taking 20 to 30 a day and I sought help through the Army Substance Abuse Program and was sent to a rehab in California for 36 days. While in rehab they gave me subutex for the initial withdrawl and then nothing for the next 30 days. By the time I got back home I was finally sleeping through the night but during the day I felt the same way I did the first time I quit and that was constant pain, pure exhaustion, absolutely no energy and it took everything I had just to move! By the time 45 days rolled around I once again couldn't take it anymore. Now I am back up to taking 25-30 a day and I absolutely hate it!! I want to have the old me back that never had to take anything. I know my health is in jeopardy and I hate being who I have become. This crap has changed me so much and taken so much from me but every time I stop I just cant stick with it because after 30 or 40 days of hurting like hell and having zero energy to do anything it seems like I would be better off taking ultram because at least I can function and I have some energy. But I know that I have to quit taking this crap because if I don't it's going to kill me. I keep regular checks on my liver functions test and kidneys and so far I have only slightly elevated liver enzymes but I don't want to keep pushing the envelope because I feel like I have been very lucky to stay as healthy as I have thus far. I know that ultram has very similar properties to SNRI drugs as well as opiates and I believe that may be the reason it is so damn hard to stop taking. All I know is that I have survived 23 years of service, deployed numerous times, did CRAZY dangerous missions to rescue people for years and I don't want ultram to be what takes me out after all of that....especially now that I am retiring at the age of 41. Does anyone have any advice for me because I am going to try this again but I HAVE to do something different this time because I don't want to fail again.. I don't want to fail my wife, my kids, my family and friends but most of all I don't want to fail me again.

Thank You all for any support or advice and god bless you!

Tim