... I know I wouldn't do anything different than what I've done to date. It plays into the 'should have' 'could have' 'would have' and well, I am who I am today because of my recent past experiences. This is what is taking me through right now without going bonkers.
These past 2 1/2 weeks have been something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. The barrage of highly volatile emotions (one after the other - BAM BAM BAM BAM!) was not only exhausting to me, but to some friends who have now distanced themselves because of their 'compassion fatigue'. Funny thing is, I haven't really been calling them or texting that much... it's just that whenever they ask how I've been doing, I've been pretty honest. I have to say it's really been only 2 people who have done this, and they weren't the ones who came with me to the funeral.
At first of course, I obsessed about this and felt sick, angry and sad that they were just pushing me away, but then I really started to think that it was all OK... that everyone is entitled to act how they are comfortable - that I don't ever want to force anyone to do what they are not capable of... and frankly, right now? Fcuk them if they can't handle this... - I can (and will) move on with my own life. Of course, I won't confront them with any of this... I'm just going to 'move on'... and if they come back into my life... great. I know not to ever get deep with them again about anything.
Really, in the big scheme of things, I am very lucky. I have about 15 close friends that are like my family... and realize I need to focus on what I do have instead of regressing and obsess about 'silly' things to detract from the real issue(s) at hand.
For a few nights now, I went back to review my past postings here. Man, was I EVER angry at Chris. I forgot half the things that he did when he was using and the painful journey I went through to detach and finally separate physically from him was pretty intense. Then, to see that it didn't stop there... that he still kept on calling, emailing, coming by - and when he wasn't, I was living in my own mental prison, worrying, ruminating, sad, and angry that he just wasn't 'getting it'... that even living apart wasn't waking him up and there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT!!!
No amount of love, support, kindness, nagging, not nagging got through during his active episode (that lasted basically from Aug 2010 until his death on Aug 11, 2012)... almost 2 years of constant addictive behavior... from the BOTH of us (not just him). From Aug 2010 as I mentioned in past posts, there was about 7x where he left the marriage (from anywhere between 1 week to a month)... but always he came back as sorry as ever and we resumed until the next 'episode'.
Now with him dead, it's brought up the emotions of missing him how he was before it got really bad, about the life we would never have, about how he will never have another cup of coffee, see a sunset or sneeze. And then I get mad and think what a waste it all is/was - that because of HIS choice(s), he is not here amongst the living. And then I think (as I posted before), that he also won't be lying, cheating, using, manipulating, obsessing, being in mental anguish or suffering anymore either.... and that I'm finally 'free' to put all this behind me and start living MY life for once.
This last paragraph doesn't come without those mixed emotions - guilt, anger, sadness, relief, anxiety... --- and thinking about the people who are looking at this from the outside going "Holy crap, you went through all this grief while he was alive and now you are in mourning for him gone?!" --- Well, all I can say to that is it wasn't bad all the time during our marriage, that he was sick but that it got too much for me to handle/deal with and had to separate myself. I never stopped loving him. Ever. Yeah, I was/am freaking angry with him, and was at the end of my rope (ready to divorce!) but you know, DEATH is so final... so bloody final and unless one actually walks that route with their addictive loved one (or former), - or hell, even in an normal relationship, then one really won't know what it feels like.
....and that's what's making me spin so much this eve.
But again, before I go, I must stress this... even if I had a time machine, I wouldn't change a thing... even the N/C (no contact). Chris made his choices and there was nothing I could do to prevent it... nothing except save myself.
I wish all a wonderful evening and bright morning tomorrow.
Hugs!
I guess it's all a part of grieving