Burst Bubble
Hello all,
I haven’t written in here in several months. I’m afraid I was living the “everything is gonna be alright” magic land. It was nice for a while. My AH went through therapy, meetings, exercised and got fit. He actually got a job and helped around the house and with the kids. We went on outings together as a family, and let me tell you, it didn’t suck. I started to slowly believe in “Happily ever after's” again. In the possibility that maybe this could really work. But…..
Something that I believe is very difficult for my AH to grasp is that raising three children between the ages of 2 and 6 can be stressful and very expensive. Emergencies will always pop up and you have to deal with it. Between the love and laughter there will be screams and tears and an insane amount of responsibility. That is Parenthood. You don’t ever shut it off and you have to bust you’re A$$ and sacrifice to make your kids lives everything you want it to be. You can’t pick and choose when you want to be a parent. Not just when they are being cute, listening to everything you say and just plain little “quiet” angels.
Well I began to notice that my AH strong resolve to be a great dad was beginning to slowly crack. I began to notice little familiar reactions. Falling into familiar habits. Nothing I wanted to really look at, not just yet. I wanted to live the dream a little longer you see because it feels really good to be happy. Quiet a novelty for me. And though I know now it was wrong, I ignored. I started to become the peace maker again. And I started to get angry again. My temper got shorter with the kids as I ran to make my AH life calmer and better. Well it sure paid off.
I week ago on a Monday my husband calls me and tells me that he need to go to a therapy session. That he is sorry he didn’t tell me but he feels he need some extra meetings. My stomach dropped and I instantly knew he was lying to me. I told him fine, goodbye and hung up.
Needless to say he wasn’t home when I got there with the kids. I wasn’t ready to explain to my babies that it was all starting again so I was vague. I went about my nightly routine and ignored his call. While I was changing them into their pajamas he got back. I excused myself from the kids and let him have it. I told him there was a reason I didn’t answer the phone that I didn’t want him in my house that I couldn’t even look at him. Well I know you all know what came next. Groveling, begging my forgiveness, it will never happen again. Once the kids saw him I couldn’t throw him out. This made me even angrier. Well for the next couple of days he was the contrite little mouse. Just doing everything for everyone… until Friday rolled along and he disappeared again.
Now in the past I have been angry but what I felt that night went beyond that. I felt a burning in my head and chest. I swear I felt as if I was going to have some kind of attack, a nervous breakdown at least. But with that burning rage came an eerie calm. I picked up my phone and sent him this text message:
“Our house is not your “sleep off my drug high motel” You will not disrespect me our your children anymore. If you are doing that $hit I do not want you here do you understand me? And if I am being too harsh go live with your mom. She is the only one that gives you that unconditional love right. I am done being played the fool by you. I am done with you treating me and the kids like garbage like nothing. And that is what you do every time you put that poison inside you. If you want to kill yourself with that (rap you will do it without us.”
Was that too harsh? I don’t know, at the time I really didn’t care. Well that night he crept back into the house. That Saturday I made sure the kids were in there room playing and I sat and faced him. I asked him what his plans were because I didn’t want him with us. Since I was not treating him or speaking with respect he became angry and started to raise his voice and curse. In the past this would have scared me and I would have backed down. But no, I looked him right in the eye and told him, without raising my voice, that he better not dare talk tome that way, that I really didn’t care what he thinks and that he ruined everything not me so don’t throw his same $hit on me because I was not buying it. His come back? “I don’t want to talk anymore. I am not going to do anything.” I informed him that we will see about that and that he is on borrowed time.
Well here we are and its Tuesday. We barely speak and it is stressful. Honestly, I just want it over with. There is no room for love with the rage I have inside of me right now. And not just at him but at myself. So I contacted him via email and said that we have to talk tonight and come to some kind of a solution. I told him that I will not live with this anger and stress and I will not subject my kids to it. So while we are deciding what our relationship will be there has to be a peace. He agreed to speak but with a distinct attitude. So how do I handle this? What do I do and say? Any advice is welcome. Thank you.