Originally Posted by jaz06

Hello Everyone.

Day 1...again. With high hopes, but along with fear of just another day of being disappointed in myself. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about quitting. It's exhausting. Here's a little of my story, thanking anyone in advance who takes the time to read it, letting me vent & possibly offer some support.

Like most, I've always enjoyed a good party, having a great time with family & friends. Of course, drinking always goes hand in hand with that (or at least in my case it does). Throughout my 20's, I was only a social drinker. I didn't need a drink everyday, but it seems that when I did drink, it was always in excess. Never considered that a problem, because afterall, like I said, I didn't need one everyday. In my late 20's, I went through a divorce, which honestly wasn't a bad thing, I was getting out of a very stale & lonely marriage. Had much excitement for where life was going to take me. Had no idea that the next 2 years of my life were going to be 2 of the worst.

I met and unfortunately entered into a relationship with a very abusive man. Although there was physical abuse, it was most definitely more emotional & mental abuse. This is when my drinking started to get out of control. It was my escape, and I started drinking daily. When I was a social drinker, I was the girl that had a blast. Laughed constantly...I was the fun 'drunk'. Not after this. For a woman who used to be confident, outgoing, intelligent, this man had me feeling like I was no good to anyone. I wasn't a good girlfriend, I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, wasn't a good mother, sister, daughter, couldn't cook, clean or didn't bring in enough money (get this, he was unemployed...I was a single mom that supported him...go figure), but when you have that beat in your head everyday, all day, you start to believe it. The fun drunk now became the sad & depressed drunk. But beer was my friend, it helped me cope by numbing everything in me. At the time, I still functioned everyday...did what I had to do, so I still didn't think I had a problem. On top of all this, I distanced myself from everyone. He never wanted me around any of my friends or family. It was easier to do that than to fight with him over it. I was so alone. Blamed myself, I was embarrassed & ashamed of who I was becoming.

I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. Although he was a horrible man, some good things came from me knowing him. I met several acquantances, but more importantly a very dear friend that I'm still close to today. Through her, I met a wonderful, amazing man who, at the time I didn't realize, would become my husband. He helped me in so many ways (and still does). He pulled me from that hell, & helped me grow and find myself again. On a sad note though, the person I had become was already an alcoholic. But I was still blind to that, refusing to see it as a problem. Afterall, my life is looking up now. So I'll be able to quit in the future, right? Thinking I'd save on calories (what a joke), I went from being a beer drinker, to martinis (thank God that didn't last long), then onto wine.

That's where I'm at now. Wine, everyday. Sometimes I want to be that happy drunk again, I enjoyed that. But what scares me is that more times than not, I get sad, depressed, angry, anxious...shall I go on? What I used to think was my friend, is now my enemy. I hate it. I keep trying to fool myself by saying I can cut back, but I don't think that's going to happen. If I could just have a couple, that would be fine. But a couple always leads to many.

I'll be 40 next year. I want to be happy & healthy. It's time to make some changes...I have to. I'm seeing differences in my looks, my skin is dry, I look bloated all the time, which does wonders to my confidence. I almost always feel guilty about something I said or did while being drunk. Even if it was a long time ago, I just can't seem to let go of the guilt.

Ok, so what was going to be a 'little' of my story, kind of drug out a bit. Sorry. I could probably go on, but that can be another day. I used to think losing weight was hard! Hell, that has nothing over this! With much hope, if I can manage to quit drinking, some of this bloat & weight will go along with it. Certainly won't be missed.

Thank you for letting me vent, and any advice would be much appreciated. Like I said in my title, I'm so sick & tired of being sick & tired.