Sally,
I'm so sorry you're in this pain. for me, the worst part realizing that alcohol didn't work for me any more. it was only poisoning me, killing the best parts of me.
I finally recognized I drank because I wanted to. In some strange way, no matter what I was feeling, what I was thinking, what were the consequences, I drank because I wanted to. somehow, my brain was remembering a time when the alcohol did work.
for me, Rational Recovery explained it best. The Beast that is the addiction itself, the Addictive Voice that talked me into taking action to get alcohol, regardless of the fact alcohol was killing me and I KNEW it on an intellectual level.
When I finally made the commitment to not drink, ever, it was a load off my mind and heart. and since I could identify the Beast rumblings I knew what it was and knew I didn't have to act out on it. I didn't have to engage in pointless circles of arguments with the Addictive Voice.
If any of this makes sense to you, try reading through this thread. find out more about AVRT. (((Sally))). You and I don't have to live like this anymore.
Much love to you
Lenina
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html