The quotations are the guilt/grieving statements my brain is wrestling with - and the reality of the situation is in brackets.
"if only I tried harder to do that intervention for him last nov" (his whole family said no and ended up getting really mad at me. I honestly had no more energy to "help him see the light" on my own).
"I shouldn't have called the police when he came "X" amount of times to our door" (it was a manipulation tactic to get me to feel sorry for him and let him come home - he had not stopped using).
"if only I didn't nag him so much..." (he slacked on almost all his home responsibilities, he would drink and drive, would go to this seedy bar in east Vancouver almost every day in Oct, sometimes not even coming home.
"I abandoned him and our marriage..." (he abandoned me in July 2010 when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore - for a short while of course so he could use. When he was 'done', he wanted back into the marriage again. This pattern repeated itself about 7x until Nov 2011 when I just had enough).
"He died a horrible, tragic death ... if only I was there..." (it still may have happened... in our home! That would have been really traumatic for me - would I have been able to continue to live here? Also... It was because of HIS choices not mine is the reason why his life is over).
I am going to miss the good parts of him, but know deep down that I'm going to be able to finally close this chapter in my life without his addiction hanging over my conscience... (no quotes there... Just truth).