Extreme emotions from relationship with RA
Things were going well at first with my 5 years sober bf, but then I started experiencing a slight depression 4 months into the relationship due to something unrelated to the relationship. He seemed very understanding and supportive for about a month about my depression. Insisting I call him anytime I was down. After a month we started fighting about things. I don’t recall what the fights were about but they were hours long and he would put extreme blame on me. Pointing his finger in my face and stressing as he said “you…” over and over again. My crying and telling him the extreme pain it caused me didn’t stop him. He would continue. And then I noticed other things he had so many resentments against other people and was easily irritated with me and other people. Then came guilt, more blame, jealous of what I have done in my life, constant need for me to agree with him in a fight, judgment, control, irrational thinking, and self-pity. Our fights lasted for hours and at the end he would say there was only one thing he could have done differently or sometimes nothing. My depression started to go into a severe depression and my self-esteem crashed due to this relationship. He has been a recovering alcoholic for 5 years and very active in AA. While he seemed to have all the answers to a happy life and be such a well-rounded man for about 5 months, it then became clear to me that he while he could in the beginning spit out all the right things, he was not at all practicing what he was preaching. I tried multiple times to leave the relationship, but I always went back to him. The last time while I was away for two weeks he seemed to listen to what I had to say about how he was treating me. At first he was hurt by what I was saying but then he completed on fearless and honest 4th and 5th step. He seemed like a new person. I knew change didn’t happen overnight even though he claimed it did but he did finally admit how he was wrong in the relationship so I thought maybe we took a step in the right direction. After a week back with him I had a depressive moment. He had wanted to tell me over and over again how I could fix myself. I texted him later telling him sometime I just needed a hug not a problem solver. When he got home that night I got coldness from him almost all night because of the statement I made to him. When I told him I loved him when we were going to bed he exploded on me like he never had before (He later told me he expected on apology rather than an I love you). I tried to get him to lower his voice and stop cussing at me but he wouldn’t, and I eventually I packed up my things once again to leave. He threw my stuff out of the apartment and for the first time got physical with me. He watched as I picked up my stuff even though I begged him to give me some dignity. We spent the entire night texting each other cut downs and hate messages. Every time he would call me a name or say something not true about me it would drive me crazy and I would respond to his one text with 6 of my own. I was completely out of control. I'm now gone for good. It is truly over thank God. I’m just struggling… The anger I feel for him is extreme and I am trying to let go. In that process I have realized that while he emotionally abused me, I started to emotionally abuse him back. I am disgusted by some of my actions. Today he texted me one little text calling me a liar and I am going off trying to prove I am not the person he thinks I am. 3 texts to him and 2 phone calls to him later I spent the rest of the day crying. I know I am wasting my breath on him trying to get him to see I am not this horrible person he thinks I am and I need to stop caring what he thinks because he never saw me for who I am. I am trying to quit him cold turkey, but when he texts it just gets the best of me. I have such fears. I have displayed some characteristics in this relationship that I have never seen before and they scare me that now I have used them they may come out in future relationships. I have confusion. Does AA really work on the alcoholic personality? I’m in counseling and Al Anon but trying to find some immediate relief from this pain. If you have any words of wisdom, similar experiences or book recommendations I would appreciate it. Just want to feel like myself again!!