Hey, there, septemberlass. This quote of yours really struck a cord with me: "And each time I'm caught (but to be truthful, moreso each time I 'get away with it') is a horrible, humiliating, soul-crushing, soul-killing experience. I'm constantly on edge, fearful that my loved ones will detect my drunkenness." This, personally, is what did it for me...what made me want to quit. I was tired of feeling like that. I think it's normal to be somewhat ambivalent to it all, not knowing quite what you want. I feel for you, I really do. It's so frustrating. For whatever it's worth, I'm here to chat any time you feel like it, no judgement; just message me.