Hi, I relate to so much of what you say and so much of what other responders had to say, too. Do you think we want them to admit that they're drinking, not so much because that makes us right as that it makes us feel that we're justified in feeling wronged? Does that make sense? Guess that's just what Standing Strong said.
I know my husband is not only lying to me, he's lying to himself, too. Our hardware store is right next to the bar, too! And, mine, too will say "Yes, I stopped, but I only had one beer!" I know better - but he needs to justify it to himself.
I find that wanting to be right is something I struggle with in more situations than just my husband's drinking. It is something that I have struggled with all my life, when I think about it. It is still important to me today. I do try to make an effort nowdays though, to determine whether it does anyone else any good to KNOW that I am right (pointing out that THEY are wrong!) or if it's good enough just to know it myself. And I come away most of the time feeling better if I haven't pointed out that I am right, and they are wrong. It's okay if I know it!
There are times when it's much more important to do the thing that needs to be done instead of pointing out that we were right. What I find inspirational is that the things we learn in Al-Anon about control, choices, attitude, letting go - everything - can be used to help us in all the situations in our lives, not just in dealing with our alcoholic. That, maybe, is the silver lining in our gray clouds- we're learning skills to help us deal with all kinds of things that we might not have learned if it hadn't been for Al-Anon and people that we meet because of a negative situation in our lives.
And we're much more open to learn how to cope if we don't always have to be right. When my daughter was in 2nd or 3rd grade, she got something less than an A on her report card and I commented to her teacher at conferences about that grade. She usually got exceptionally good grades and she expected that out of herself. So when I told the teacher I was surprised about that grade, she pointed out to me that it was more important that she had learned something in that class than that she got an A. That was an interesting concept for me, and one I've remembered since then. Sometimes we learn more when we have to struggle to find the answer.
Anyway, I'm glad that you've had an epiphany about being right. Good luck to you!
SJW