Welcome to SR, SeptemberLass, and you have done a good thing by posting here. There is a lot of support for you.
Please don't give me platitudes. Don't tell me to stick around till it gets better, or 'wait for the miracle to happen'. I'm delighted if it has for you, but it hasn't for me, and I don't think it will.
I am not making light of your post, but I am possibly the last person who would ever do that to you, you can ask around. You have stated your position, and I respect that.
It sounds like you want to drink, and you haven't yet come to terms with the fact that your future lies solely in your success at sobriety. Almost all of us deal with the occasional urge to drink, but it sounds like you are grieving for those drinking days of horrible, humiliating soul crushing experiences.
Somehow, we all have come to the realization that we can not ever drink anymore. When that penny drops, there is something that happens. There is the revelation that all this cr@p is behind us. The depression, the anxiety, the shame and guilt, the lying, the loss of self respect, the soul sickness are over, and we now never have to do this garbage to ourselves and to those we love ever again. This was euphoric for me, a feeling that an unbearable weight had been lifted from my shoulders. There was the knowledge that I had freed myself from this for good. This is what energized me.
I needed to come to this place of absolute certainty that I was going to leave that misery behind, and that any thought that I wanted or needed to continue with it was a violation of my rational mind and was instead simply the voice of my addiction hanging on for dear life.
It seems that you have decided that AA is not for you, and you most certainly are not alone. While AA has proven a lifesaver for many, there are plenty of folks here who have chosen alternatives to AA and found a different path to sobriety. I did exactly that myself.
SeptemberLass, there is this question that needs your own considered, committed answer. Are you ready to make your plan for your continued use of alcohol?