septemberlass

...but being sober sucks.

Believe me, I have tried both. I don't know what to do, because both are as unpleasant as the the other, IMO.

Here's where I am: Been in AA for a year, got my one, two, and three-month chips. Never made it to six months. And, yes, I joined a group, got a sponsor, said the prayers, attended meetings, did service, shared at meetings, etc... I also am in weekly therapy, both one-on-one and group.

Here, IMO, is how alcohol sucks: No, I never had hangovers, nor blackouts, never ended up in jail, never physically hurt anyone. But hiding (which I seem compelled to do) is becoming something of a full-time job. And each time I'm caught (but to be truthful, moreso each time I 'get away with it') is a horrible, humiliating, soul-crushing, soul-killing experience. I'm constantly on edge, fearful that my loved ones will detect my drunkenness.

Here, IMO, is how being sober sucks: Again, no hangovers, no blackouts, no jail, no assaults...lol. But being sober day in and out is a dreadful, drab, colourless, humourless, blah existence where I try to convince everyone (mainly myself) that I'm happy. That I'm free. That I'm whatever they need me to be. But every experience is like a vibrant sweater that's been put through the wash cycle 27 times and only retains a hint of its original coulour. And again, I'm constantly on edge, fearful that my loved ones will detect my desire for drunkenness.

Please, don't give me platitudes. Don't tell me to stick around till it gets better, or 'wait for the miracle to happen'. I'm delighted if it has for you, but it hasn't for me, and I don't think it will.