Hi everyone I am new here ...obviously. I have been a binge drinker for several years 2-3 x's a week I have blacked out and woke up only remembering some details and often if what I said or did was real sometimes I found what I thought or said wasn't real but it felt so real when I woke up and sadly some times it was actually real. After binge drinking I would pass out and wake up a million times a night guzzling water from thirst, soooo tired but unable to go back to sleep because I would have such guilt and anxiety trying to figure out if I indeed may have said stupid or inappropriate things on facebook or whatever because of being intoxicated. The anxiety attacks would leave me shaking sweating feeling like I was gonna have a nervous break down all because of the blacking out. I don't go out anywhere this is at home but still I cringe of the thought of what I said or did to offend someone. Today is day 4 of me not drinking which isn't a big deal, I can go 4 days but I have never tried to quit completely I have rationlized a hundred times saying I would slow down but that obviously never happened lol Yesterday I was cleaning the house actually scrubbing walls and junk I feel good I feel rested I still have anxiety when I even think of my stupid drinking behavior, will this go away? I mean I am trying so why do I feel bad and good at the same time? I am excited by changing my ways I think I may go to Celebrate Recovery at the church I am embarassed to tell my church folks about this because I always have a happy face at church because actually when im there I am happy! Some how I will think they will be quite surprised that I am not the happy go lucky person all the time like they thought. I truly am feeling good about wanting to change and feel free maybe letting it out there will make me feel more accountable and more inclined to make an effort but also I feel like I have been living a lie and I am humiliated at the same time. Does anyone have any insight/advice/simularities to help me I appreciate this site and the people I am glad I found you
