My only siblings are my brothers, who did not grow up in the same household that I did...but I do have a very large family on my mom's side, with a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc., and they either chose to minimize how my mom treated me, weren't there to see all of it, have blocked it out, or honestly think that I'm making a "big deal out of nothing".
I often hear the whole "You had it pretty good...your mom did the best she could...I know a lot of people who would have loved to have had your childhood...get over it" song and dance. I've generally stopped bringing it up with most of them if I can help myself, because as I think Frances pointed out, I'm not going to get the support or acknowledgement that I want and need from my family. I have to go to other people for that. People who are either impartial and objective, or who have had similar experiences.
This forum really is great for that.
I blew up on my mom the night before Mother's Day (I still regret it, it was very unfortunate timing, but I had had it with her continual denial and "advice" that she likes to give to me about my marriage, but doesn't come even remotely close to following herself). I realized that she didn't even remember some of the things that I remembered as a small child. Locking me outside the house (I was four years old) when we lived in Alaska, in the winter, because I wouldn't brush my hair the way that she thought I should. I can remember not having a coat on, crying, and feeling totally confused. What four year-old knows how to brush unruly, curly hair properly??!
Anyway, she didn't even remember that incident, but it's lodged in my memory quite securely.
And it's true, a lot of people either honestly don't remember anything, they've blocked it out (most of us have PTSD to varying degrees, and that's a definite symptom of it, as far as I understand), or somewhere within themselves they have chosen to block it out because it's easier than dealing with the traumatic memories.
I don't think any of these coping mechanisms excuses people from validating the experiences of other people, but I do see it happen.
It used to really infuriate me that I received absolutely no validation from my mom's side of the family.
What has been really helpful for me is coming to this forum and finding validation, empathy, and support...and, as a blessing in my life, I've started to become much closer to my dad's side of the family, including my brothers and step-mother.
To be able to talk to them about some of the things my mom did and said to me throughout my childhood, and to hear the validating responses like "wow, that's outright child abuse", etc., has been so empowering in its own way.
A part of me feels guilty and "bad" for talking about my mom in this way, because I do truly forgive her for the past. I know that she honestly just had major emotional problems of her own, and she really did do the best she could. She honestly could have done much worse, but that's not really the point. I have a hard time forgiving her for her actions and behaviors in the present, and it's a real source of frustration for me.
But anyway, yes. I think that most of us have family members who deny, don't remember, don't want to remember, or even just find it somehow easier to label us as liars or as overreacting, and that last part is just crap.
I don't want to shove advice down your throat, but I feel compelled to say Don't allow anyone else in the world to tell you what your own personal truth is. Only you know your truth, and it's okay to speak it if you want or need to. This is a safe place to do that.
