Just wanted to reply to you and let you know I hear you.
My experience is that re-remembering past humiliations and mistakes is exactly like re-feeling them all over again. It's awful.
As I've gotten more Recovery under my belt, I am able to look back on experiences where I acted badly with more compassion for myself.
Reading your post, I remember times when I was completely overwhelmed by how many things were screwed up in my life. For me, the way out of the maze is to do one thing for myself, then another. When I am overwhelmed, I go to Radical Self-Care.
I know you have a baby. I don't, and I can only imagine how hard is it take care of a baby and yourself.
That said, Radical Self-Care for me means bathing, eating healthy food, sleeping, caring for my skin, the very absolute basics for me.
Sending you good wishes!