I'm feeling really miserable about every little detail of how I've conducted myself in the past regarding "people pleasing" behavior, and the subsequent feelings of rejection that I often feel.
I've recently been in touch online with former classmates (which is something that I have, until now, generally refused to do, because junior high and high school were miserable experiences for me), and the excruciatingly detailed memories of how I made a fool of myself trying to be accepted, how I rebelled when I wasn't accepted, etc., are really haunting me.
Needless to say, I have not gotten past all of those feelings of rejection from my adolescent and teenage years.
Ditto for thinking back to how I've conducted myself in past work environments. At first I want desperately to be accepted, appreciated, acknowledged. If that didn't happen to my satisfaction (or at all), I became very belligerent and passive aggressive.
It's embarrassing to recall all of these situations, even now as an adult who has made tremendous progress in the way I handle situations and people.
I haven't mastered the whole thing, but it's by far better than it used to be.
Simultaneously, I'm feeling triggered by people who remind me of my mother (including my mother).
People who do not own up to their (negative) behaviors and blame the people around them for their miserable lives. It is making me extremely angry right now, although I've been reasonable about handling it, to the best of my ability.
I really wish that I could refrain from telling my husband that I think his family is rude and dysfunctional, and that I have very little sympathy for them, but so far I'm only able to keep my sentiments to myself incrementally. Sometimes (I'll try not to be too hard on myself here, but it happens far more than it probably needs to) I can't stop myself from blurting it out.
It is the same with my mother. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could be straight forward with her about how her actions and way of life deter us from visiting her, but I just can't. It's not worth the drama or the hassle, although occasionally I've held my peace for so long that I end up exploding.
I'll be really pleased when those sorts of reactions on my part can be a thing of the past entirely in my life. I know that it will happen, but it's just going to take some more work for me to get there.
I'm sure that there is a connection with these feelings (feeling judged and lacking, and then feeling judgmental towards others), but I haven't got it all totally sorted out yet.
