What's in my craving?
I want to understand what happens to me and my mind at the moment a craving becomes a conscious thought.
It's important for me to ask that question of myself so I can identify the feelings better or maybe see them coming more easily.
My physical reactions include racing heart, perhaps it even skips a beat in more intense situations.
My mind tries to close down on rational thought. It blocks out many of the processes that I have when not craving such as thinking through issues, taking a moment to determine the reaction, or allowing myself to reach out for help.
There is a certain amount of excitement that comes to me in the moments before I would drink. The anticipation of the sweet oblivion I was about to enter. I may even perspire some in anticipation.
My hearing is not effected other than to say I don't want to hear anything other than "yes ken you can go drink if you want" and that message comes in so many forms. Both silent and spoken. the mere suggestion or insinuation that a drink is near is all I need.
My personality changes. I become argumentative and can sometimes lash out with words unprovoked in order to remain deaf to my thoughts and deflect the true intent onto something undeserving of my focus.
I suspect I am not uniques in any of this. I can see things coming way further back in the process than ever before. I saw what was happening yesterday. I should have cancelled the plans I knew would put my in harms way. But perhaps I wanted to be able to point a finger at something or someone once I drank.
I know these things will change or become less intense as time goes by. I know I will be able to stop and do nothing with them but observe them from a vantage point.
Each day I am learning and growing and I am great full for this growth.
I am grateful for so many things about getting sober. Just being sober is a gift.
Thanks for all the support I get here.
Ken