HI -
I think your "insight" was right on the money.....and I can TOTALLY relate to your experience.
My husband liked to "go out to his "workroom" in the garage.
Funny...how no "Work" got done there in over 3 years.......except he DID end up having one of the MOST impressive beer can collections in the North Eastern U.S. !
I wanted SO desperatly for him to Just say ..."YES , IV'E BEEN DRINKING"
But he would always lie .......
or get this.....sometimes he would make the "grand confession" ...but he would lie about HOW MUCH he drank.
He would say (when questioned)...."I'm sorry ..yes I did drink...but it was only 2 beers" (it turned out to be 10 -12 beers...but hey..who's counting - right?!)
I wanted to know that "HE KNEW THAT I KNEW"....
I also HATE liars....and every time he would lie about his drinking......I would get so angry at him....almost more angry at the lie ..than the drinking.....almost.
All I can say is ....thank goodness I finally had the clarity to ask myself
" Did I want to be right .....or did I want to be happy "
Of course I wanted both.....and I found out that I was not going to get either one by asking HIM if he had been drinking.
I DID get both....By detaching from HIS problem...and trusting what I already knew - that he was an alcoholic & he was going to drink !
By working on myself ...I am HAPPY (or at least happier) ....and by trusting myself....I am "Right" (or at least I don't have to have my perceptions validated through HIM)
IT IS A STRUGGLE......and old habits die hard........but I am working on it.
Thanks for letting me share....