Gforce23

I am feeling very frustrated with myself for being so weak. Why can't I stay committed? Why can't I make quitting a "priority" as is so often suggested. Why do I start off being so serious about quitting, only to get sucked back in because "it's just a beer..." and other lies I tell myself.
Here I am, two days after coming here and wanting to stop, I am hungover. Now, to be fair, I had a back stage pass for a giant music festival going on 4 blocks away from my house, so I wasn't just drinking for the hell of it... o.k, this is my lame attempt at being funny. It's just that, it's not so funny. This is why I "quit" trying to quit for a few years. I just can't seem to say no for very long. I have all the best reasons-- a bad fight with my husband, a free backstage pass to the music festival...yada yada and the list goes on. And, even though my binge drinking is only confined to one night, and I am not drinking my way out of it, I feel like hell, and my kid is coming home in a few hours. How many more hungover days will I waste? This is the second hungover day I've had this week!
One of the reasons I stopped going to AA, is because I just could not seem to stay on the damn wagon. At meetings, I was always honest when I had fallen off the wagon. I would admit that I drank at a party. The general attitude after a bit by the group toward me was cynicism, and while I suppose I can't blame people for that attitude, how is it helping me, or anyone else, with their problem? The funny thing would be, that I would admit that I drank, then one or two other people at the meeting would back track and admit that they had also picked up a drink, but I was always the first to admit it. So my guess is that a lot of people go to meetings while they are still struggling with the "stopping" part. They just don't talk about it. I guess I am hoping for some understanding while I struggle and stumble my way towards stopping. I keep telling my self it should be easy, I should just say "no thanks," I should just not start. But then I think about how much my husband and I enjoy knocking back a few beers together and getting loose together. We drink cider and stay up and play guitar and howl at the moon. We get tipsy and talk politics and and wax dramatically about the current state of the world. When I think of how we bond over a few drinks, I start to feel anxiety and even sadness about quitting. However, I am an alcohol abuser, and my husband, is not. He is rarely hungover. He always manages to get tipsy and stay there, while I get tipsy and then get wasted. A lot of people may give me advice to go to AA, but, how is going to meetings helping me? I went to many meetings, and here we are. I tried to do what everyone said, but in the end, if someone offered me a beer, I took it. I'm just feeling... frustrated. Really frustrated! And, I am hoping that instead of seeing me as someone who isn't really serious about quitting, I hope you will see me as someone who is just stuck and afraid to be someone different.