I wanted to curl up in that ball with you, after reading your account of all he said and did. Using makes him grandiose, threatening, abusive, dangerous, cruel, cold, belittling, condescending, ruthless. When we offer the suggestion here that the spouse "not respond" to an addict's "manipulations," we are referring to situations that are much less threatening than what you have endured with him today.
When a spouse is being treated like a piece of garbage for hours without interruption, here our advice is to remove yourself from the situation. Not to sit quietly while the addict spends HOURS trying to break you down to nothing.
Any one of us would, without outside help, have been as exhausted and as despairing, as lost and without a shred of self-worth, as you are now, had we experienced what you went through today. Addiction is too powerful. It takes us all down.
To step off this cycle of abuse you are caught in, try at least to plan ahead about what you will do differently the next time he begins his emotional assault on you. How will you remove yourself? Where will you go to be safe from it? Who will you call for support or for shelter? The addict enjoys making the spouse dissolve. He enjoys it. It makes him feel powerful.
But it keeps him sick. It makes him sicker. And it destroys both of you. You actually help him stay sick by remaining there and allowing him to hurt you.
Do you have an Al-Anon group? If not, will you consider going? You will not be all right without outside help.
This is not you. It is not your fault, you are not to blame, and you should not feel any shame about this cycle in which you have been caught. This is what happens to spouses of addicts. It is the outcome of being with the disease. It is not you.