Thank you everyone.
I can feel myself getting back on course after reading your words. People have told me that I will need to grieve the relationship and I think that is what I am beginning to do. I've been transferring pictures to my new phone and saw some from the occasional good times.
Even though he's been reaching out to friend and neighbors (he's out of state right now) telling them all I am crazy and none of the things they've heard about him is true - all it took was to hear that he wants to save the marriage and a switch goes off in me. I see now that I was trained to come alive at any relatively good behavior or caring on his part and respond to encourage it. But in reality most of the time I was shut down because he was a miserable, manipulative mean drunk.
I know I can't go back. And really, I don't want to. I'm just amazed that his behavior, from across the country and related to me from someone else indirectly, can flip my switch.
I have been meeting with a counselor. She specializes in DV but we haven't had a chance to dig too deep into that yet. We've been talking a lot about how I can be there for my dear boys. I don't see her again until next week. I'm definetly going to focus on this feeling and how my switch is too easily flipped.
Thank you everyone. I am seeing things a bit more clearly as I get ready to turn in for the night.
Gratefully,
MamaKit